Commando (1985)

This week, the Dads wrap up JanuArnie with Nic's personal favorite Schwarzenegger film, 1985's Commando, and Steve is seeing it for the very first time. Nic describes it as "black tar Arnie," the most purely distilled version of what makes Schwarzenegger movies tick, and he's been quoting it with college buddies for decades. The film wastes zero time establishing its chaos: four minutes in, three bodies are already on the ground, and the Dads haven't even gotten to the famous daddy-daughter ice cream montage where young Alyssa Milano smashes a cone into Arnold's face while deer eat from his hands like he's Snow White with biceps.

The villain situation sparks some heated discussion. Bennett, played by Vernon Wells, shows up looking like "Freddie Mercury in a crocheted chainmail vest" with fingerless gloves and a leather jacket, and Steve cannot get over how unintimidating he is. He's soft in the middle, clearly obsessed with Matrix in a way that reads more like a scorned ex-lover than a mortal enemy, and the Dads agree there's no counterbalance to Arnold's superhuman hero. Then there's Sully, a five-foot-two sleazeball in an oversized David Byrne suit who delivers increasingly disgusting one-liners until Arnold dangles him off a cliff and delivers the immortal "Remember when I said I'd kill you last? I lied." The Dads also geek out over recognizing the Beverly Hills Cop mansion, Bill Paxton's early cameo as a Coast Guard radar guy, and the baffling amount of steel drum in a movie set entirely in Los Angeles.

The final assault on the compound is where Commando truly earns its reputation: Arnold kills the same seven stunt guys multiple times each, throws saw blades through skulls, and fires a machine gun while standing completely exposed as hundreds of bullets somehow miss him entirely. The Dads catch action figures on visible stands during explosion shots and marvel at a body count so absurd it defies mathematics. It's loud, ridiculous, and exactly what Nic promised: pure, uncut Arnie at his most gloriously over-the-top.