Transcript

Intro Clip

This this case is empty. What do you mean empty? Empty, the opposite of full. This case is supposed to be full. Anyone care to explain? The guardians gave the stones to someone that they could trust. Удёт another route? Сеноезармите килась, там оहनили. She's supposed to contact this person in a hotel. Я тут сукимито прилومات куданчась, ты лактеликонай. She's looking for the address. Easy. Dot. It's it's planet Flossen in the Angel constellation. You're saved. I'm screwed. You asked for a case, we brought you a case. A case with 4 stones in it! Not 1 or 2 or 3, but 4! 4 stones! What the hell am I supposed to do with an empty case? We are warriors, not merchants. But you can still count! Look, it's easy. Look at my fingers. 4 stones, 4 crates. 0 stones, Zero crates! Pack everything up, we're out of here! You risked our lives. I believe a little compensation is in order. Oh, so you are merchants after all. Leave me one crate for the corpse. I don't like warriors. Too narrow-minded, no subtlety. Worse, they fight for hopeless causes. I must kill millions of people. I haven't saved a single one. Tell you what I do like, though. A killer. A dyed-in-the-wool killer. Cold-blooded, clean, methodical, and thorough. Now, a real killer, when he picked up the ZF-1, would have immediately asked about the little red button on the bottom of the gun.

Steve

It's 2 Dads 1 Movie. It's the podcast where 2 middle-aged dads sit around and shoot the shit about the movies of the '80s and '90s. Here are your hosts, Steve Paulo and Nic Briana. Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of 2 Dads 1 Movie. I'm Steve.

Nic

And I'm Nic.

Steve

And today we are watching, or we did watch and we're going to talk about, the 1997 sci-fi action adventure, uh, big things going on, crazy blockbuster movie, The Fifth Element. And Nic, you brought The Fifth Element to the table for us, so why don't you tell us a little bit about why we watched it?

Nic

Yeah, uh, The Fifth Element I thought would be a fun one to, uh, to revisit. I don't believe we've seen Gary Oldman yet. You might be right, um, which is a shame. Always good to check a box where there's someone that we haven't seen yet. Uh, we've only seen tiny Zeus Lister once, so we needed to see him again. And of course that Bruce Willis guy is fine too. Um, yeah, so this is a movie that, uh, came out, you know, '97, like you said. I definitely saw it in the theater. I think I saw it multiple times in the theater. I believe this was playing at the theater that I worked at.

Steve

There you go.

Nic

And I remember it was coming out, I think it was like May 5th or May Something like that came out, and because we had this, there was this poster, and it was like it must be found. But the S in must was the letter or the number five, and I remember our friend who you might remember from high school, Dave Schwanke, would say, "Oh yeah, it must five it be found." It must five. So so that was something else. But like me and those guys, like Todd and Paul Evans, like these guys would really love this film, and we watched it a bunch when it first came out. We would quote it a lot. And then when this dropped on pay-per-view, it was an immediate record of pay-per-view so we could all get a dub of it. And yeah, it just went around. So during my late teens, this was a big-time movie for me.

Steve

Nice.

Nic

How about you, Steve? You see this one before?

Steve

I absolutely have seen it before. I think I saw it in the theater as well. Would have been just the one time. I didn't work at a theater, so almost anything I saw in the theater was just once, except for Jurassic Park and The Matrix. Probably saw those 5 times each in the theater. But generally, I did see it in the theater. Wasn't like a huge fan, but I thought it was neat. I remember being very annoyed by Chris Tucker the first time around watching it, but then kind of he grew on me a little, I feel like. Watching this more in college, I think I got to appreciate some of the sort of like whimsy around it a little more. I don't think it quite landed for me in '97, and I think partly because I was watching a lot of sci-fi at that time.

Nic

There were good ones, like you said, yeah.

Steve

Right, and just to run down real quick, a handful of the sci-fi movies that came out in 1997 along with The Fifth Element include Men in Black, Mimic, Contact, Event Horizon, Gattaca, Starship Troopers, Alien Resurrection. They were all in that year as well. And I know I saw Event Horizon, Contact, and Men in Black all in the theater as well. So if you think about the kind of sci-fi those 3 movies are, you got like a horror, you got like a really science fact-based science fiction in Contact, right? And then you've got the kind of big, the big broad comedy in Men in Black. This didn't fit into any of those categories.

Nic

Yeah, definitely.

Steve

You know, maybe closest to MIB, but like, This is still so much weirder. Yes, in a lot of ways. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm definitely not, not, not against weird movies. I love absurdism, all this stuff. But for a while, it was definitely something that didn't quite land with me. And then I think I saw it in college, like the kind of thing where I went to a friend's apartment and we're drinking and somebody's had it on. And I remember watching, going, actually, this is kind of dope. Like, yeah, you know, it's, um, interestingly, I feel very similarly about the old, uh, Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo Super Mario Brothers movie. Oh, I hated it originally, thought the costumes were hella stupid. Saw it again like maybe 5 years ago and went This is not that bad. It's just weird.

Nic

I'll have to read this.

Steve

It's not that bad.

Nic

I don't know if I'm familiar with that.

Steve

Oh, that one's that one's bizarre. The Koopa Troopas are seven feet tall.

Nic

So John Leguizamo loved getting put into like nine hours of makeup.

Steve

Well, he didn't wear. He wasn't in any crazy. He was he was Luigi.

Nic

It was that so Bond movie where he played some crazy fucking role.

Steve

The violator. The violator. The big fat guy. Yes. Okay. Back to the Fifth Element. Let's go ahead and jump into the facts on this movie. The Fifth Element was released on May ninth. 1997. That's interesting. So maybe the 5 for May, and then that was probably— that's what it was somewhere else. Yeah, with a PG-13 rating, which I think it skirts the line on. I think this— if this had been an R, it wouldn't have shocked me.

Nic

Yeah, but like, it's a hard PG.

Steve

It's a hard PG-13. Yeah, running time of 126 minutes, directed by Luc Besson, who we know also did Léon: The Professional and La Femme Nikita, written by Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen. It stars Bruce Willis, Gary Oldman, and Milla Jovovich. Rotten Tomatoes score of 71%, which I think is actually pretty reasonably good for a movie that's so strange to get that sort of level of critics coming together to say, yeah, this was a thumbs up essentially. You know, it's good. An IMDb score of 7.6, which is very solid. And we get 2 thumbs up from Siskel and Ebert. They both like this one. I don't think we've seen a 2 thumbs up movie in a while. No, no.

Nic

Our uncles were not fighting during this one. That's good to know.

Steve

This was good. So quite a bit of awards activity on this.

Nic

Nothing huge.

Steve

It was nominated for an Oscar in '98 for Best Sound Editing, did not win. It did win though a BAFTA in 1998, which we know of course is sort of the British Oscars, for Best Special Effects. I think that's very valid, good special effects in this movie. At the 1998 Razzies, it picked up 2 nominations for Worst Supporting Actress for Milla Jovovich and Worst New Star for Chris Tucker, and that's one of those awards they give out to somebody for multiple films in the same year.

Nic

Okay.

Steve

So it was shared with his role in Money Talks. So yeah, at the 1997 Stinkers, they picked up a couple nominations as well, both Tucker and Jovovich as well for their roles, but also Worst Picture and what they call the Worst Sense of Direction, which is like worst director, I guess. Yeah. For Luc Besson. But at the 1998 César Awards, which are like the French Oscars, it picked up 8 nominations and 3 wins total, including Best Director, Best Cinematography, and Best Production Design. Which I don't know what he was up against given that that's mostly French creatives only. But production design, no-brainer, absolutely gorgeous, crazy looking stuff, very cool. But yeah, Best Director, Best Cinematography, yeah, it's interesting that he also got a stinker nomination for Worst Director. I always find that interesting when you see stuff like that. On a $90 million budget, which like, yeah, you don't make this movie for less than that.

Nic

Yeah, it's an expensive film.

Steve

There's a lot going on. It did pull in $264 million for 2.9 times what it cost. That is definitely what we'd call a blockbuster, making that much on that kind of a budget. Are the facts on The Fifth Element. And all right, why don't you kick us off, man? How does this movie kick off?

Nic

Yeah, so, uh, so The Fifth Element starts and we're, we're kind of getting a view from space of Earth and, uh, you know, kind of slowly brings us towards Earth and we see this kind of large, um, ship that's, that's hovering over, like really funky looking. They do a good job with some of this stuff where it's like ancient and futuristic at the same time. So that's kind of the vibe of the ship that we see. And then we're on Earth and it says, you know, Egypt, 1914. And we've got a couple of archaeologists kind of working away to translate these, these runes that are carved into the wall.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

There's an older man who's doing that, and he's got this young boy who's reflecting the light from outside to his spot to, like, give him some look. And he keeps saying to this kid, Aziz, light! Because the kid's kind of fallen asleep. The light's gone away. His, uh, sidekick with him is, uh, Luke Perry.

Steve

Yes.

Nic

And this is the second recent 90210 alum that we've seen in a movie.

Steve

That's right.

Nic

Uh, he's also playing a character named Billy, like, uh, Jason Priestley did in Tombstone.

Steve

So—. And did you notice at the beginning of the credits he got an and credit in this?

Nic

Crazy.

Steve

So it's like, you know, it says like Bruce Willis, Gary Oldman, uh, uh, Ian Holm, Milla Jovovich, Chris Tucker, and Luke Perry, which is like Wow. Yeah, good for Luke Perry. Good agent, I think.

Nic

Yeah, or the director just has a thing for Lukes.

Steve

Yeah, that's true.

Nic

And I hope to see— I hope to see Ian Ziering playing a Billy in a future film, uh, on our list here. So yeah, so he's translating these runes and it looks like he's really coming across some information that's surprising him. And he's like, oh, oh, this is amazing, this is amazing. Uh, there's, there's a 5th element. I'm trying to figure out what this is. And it looks like they're fighting this force of evil and there's all these— the 4 elements, you know, Earth, Wind Fire and whatever the other one is.

Steve

Right.

Nic

And then in the middle, there's The Fifth Element. And, you know, he's discovering it, and there's a kind of a priest there that overhears this and seems very concerned. Like, my duty is to protect this information from getting out. So he like kind of gets this look and then, you know, poisons this water and goes to present it to him. Like, these guys already know too much. I gotta stop this.

Steve

Yeah, this is very much the character, uh, from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with like the Rosicrucian tattoo on his chest that was like trying to keep everybody away from the Grail or whatever. Same idea in a lot of ways, but the man, this archaeologist, whoever's like looking at the hieroglyphics, doesn't, you know, initially doesn't sip the water. So the guy, the priest or whatever, is like, oh, well, let's toast to your success then, you know, like whatever. And he throws the water away, he goes, you can't toast with water, like let's get some whiskey or I don't know what he has.

Nic

Some wine, yeah.

Steve

Some wine or whatever it is. So all these plans of this priest to like take care of this are not happening, but the spaceship that we kind of saw in the opening sequence over Earth, has now landed— is now landing in front of this temple, and it looks bizarre.

Nic

It looks crazy.

Steve

Very strange-looking ship.

Nic

Yeah, um, it's very upright and like— and then these, these aliens get out and they, they have the body shape of like people in Gary Larson's Far Side cartoons, kind of.

Steve

Okay.

Nic

Like, just like you draw like a big, like a big fat armadillo or something like that.

Steve

Like, it would work.

Nic

It's such a very weird— how would you describe these guys?

Steve

So yeah, they're like, they're like big turtles or something that are on their— on 2 feet. They're enormous spacesuits or whatever they're in, obviously. They're obviously not— they're not— this is not the flesh and blood of these creatures. They're in some kind of a spacesuit, it seems like, right? And, and, but they can't— they have to waddle. They can't raise their arms up very high. Like, you know, they have this little tiny head and neck that sticks out of the thing. Yeah. It's very strange. That's where I think I get the turtle feel from. It looks like a shell and then a neck and everything. Very bizarre, goofy-ass looking alien spacesuits. But they say basically, The priest is like, no, no, no, I've got it, I've got it, I've got it under control, don't worry about it. And they say, war is coming, the stones are no longer safe on Earth, we need to take them with us. And they're referring, of course, to World War I. These creatures obviously knew World War I was about to start, which is interesting, 'cause it said we're in 1914. So war is coming, the stones are not safe, we're gonna take them. And so they walk into this, he's got this key in his finger, one of these alien guys. Yeah. Sticks it into a particular, between 2 bricks or something, opens up the wall, and the archaeologist is like, well, that's interesting.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

He thought he was cracking the code. He had no idea what was going on. Goes into this chamber where there is this sarcophagus in the middle where it's really weird looking, 'cause unlike a sarcophagus you'd see in like King Tut's tomb or something where the face is like looking outward, it's looking up. Mm-hmm. So it's like this whole thing looks, and then there are these stones on 4 pillars. So they gather up all the stones and then you see the aliens taking the sarcophagus and the stones kind of back out. But the Luke Perry character, Billy, is freaking out and like gets a gun because, uh, they— oh, they made the archaeologist pass out, the doctor, like they made him faint or something. So he's like, no, Father, they're— they killed, you know, Dr. So-and-so, this is whatever. And he's like, what? And he trips over something and fires the gun.

Nic

Yes.

Steve

Which I think causes the whole thing to start closing, right? It's like gonna shut down. Yeah, one of these— one of these alien dudes is stuck inside, right?

Nic

And they're the— and the priest's like, you know, come on, you could still make it, you can still make it, just moving so slow, waddling. So yeah, so basically, uh, Luke Perry, the other archaeologist, end up trapped inside this thing as shuts, and the, uh, the alien reaches out its finger with this little computer chip looking thing on the very end of it, and that gets slammed in the door. And then, you know, that's kind of the last we have. But basically, to the priest, it's your job to protect this. Like, you protect this knowledge, protect, you know.

Steve

Yeah. And he says, like, the priest says something like, well, without the weapon, like, we'll be— how can we defend ourselves when evil comes back? And the alien says, in 300 years, when, when evil returns, we will too. Yes. That's basically what he says, like, we're not gonna leave you out to dry. But yeah, so, so there's that. So he gives him the key, and then we get—.

Nic

And he says that time's not important, only life is important, because this is repeated.

Steve

Absolutely.

Nic

So it's important to bring that up there. Um, yeah, so now we're, we're 300 years later, right?

Steve

It says 300 years later, but there is later a thing on, on, on one of the characters' desks that has the date. It says, I think, like 2260-something or whatever. So it's a little more than 300 years later, not exactly 300 years, but yes. 3 centuries into the future, and we see Deebo, Tiny Lister, as the president of the Federated Territories or something, whatever, whatever, some kind of galactic president. He even mentioned something about like, I think, 200 or 300 billion people or something are under his, you know, in his control or protection or whatever. And so there's— and then what exactly happened?

Nic

Oh, that's right. So the president and some other people are in this kind of command center, and they're talking to a ship that's closer to this thing, this object that's appeared. And it's this unknown object in space that's kind of like planet-looking, and it keeps getting larger. And they notice like if they fire upon it, like it's getting larger.

Steve

Makes it expand.

Nic

And, um, and they're trying to decide what to do with it. So one of the members of this kind of council is a priest named Vito Cornelius, like, you know, maybe the highest-ranking religious figure or somebody who's gonna counsel on this stuff. And he's saying, yeah, don't shoot it. It's just gonna keep getting bigger. Like if you put aggression or anger or evil into this, It's gonna grow because this is essentially like pure evil. So don't, don't do that.

Steve

And that character's— that's Ian Holm's character Cornelius. Yes. Uh, who would go on to play, uh, Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit. Yes. Or not The Hobbit, in The Lord of the Rings. Um, but yeah, so, so there's that. And then it's like they keep shooting at it and it keeps getting bigger. And then finally it's actually like growing towards these, these ships that have been firing upon it to an extent that they can't stop it. It just keeps growing, growing, and kind of takes over and destroys these capital ships.

Nic

And these are like, like, yeah, like Darth Vader, like those big triangular Star Destroyers, right? This is an enormous thing, right?

Steve

And then, um, but I think this is when Dallas— Corbin Dallas wakes up from this as if it were a dream. It almost seems like—.

Nic

Yeah, that's weird. So yeah, so now we wake up with Bruce Willis, Corbin Dallas, in probably one of the bleakest future apartments I've ever seen, right? Like, it's almost a jail cell.

Steve

It makes Blade Runner look like Sesame Street. Like, it is so, like, just dystopianly like, oh God, how does anybody live like this? Oh my God, it looks like it's what, 4 feet across by 10 feet long or something? It's so small.

Nic

So, and it's all metal. So he's— he has this little apartment. One of the, um, the good gags in this is there's on the wall, looks like it's a dispenser for his cigarettes for the day. It says something about quit smoking, and there are these 4 cigarettes that are all like 80% filter. They just have like a little tiny part with the tobacco on the end.

Steve

I always wondered if that would work, you know, like would that actually make them safer? I don't know.

Nic

I mean, if those sticks those, uh, those long cigarette sticks from, uh, Troop Beverly Hills Prevent Cancer. You know, who knows what this will do? Uh, so he wakes up and, you know, his apartment, it is just absolutely like very Blade Runner. It's just bleak, industrial, no decor, no greenery anywhere, right? And, uh, and he has somebody at his door.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

So he goes up, uh, Corbin Dallas answers his door, and he looks through the peephole and it's just, you know, the hallway.

Steve

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nic

And he opens the door and there's a guy who pulls his head up and he had had a basically a photograph of the hallway on top of a hat and pointed that at the peephole.

Steve

Pretty smart.

Nic

Good move. I, I like that. It's like hanging the picture on the surveillance camera, you know?

Steve

I don't know how this tweaker was that smart though, because he's not smart from any other point of view.

Nic

So, so he looks up and it's definitely a tweaker type guy. And Corbin Dallas is like, okay, unimpressed by this guy. This guy's got a gun in his face. He's like, give me the cash, man, give me the cash. And Corbin Dallas is explaining to him, oh, what kind of gun is that? Oh, is this this model? Well, it actually doesn't. It's not armed. You have to push this button here, you know? So he goes and, and this guy's freaking out. He's like, like that really funny, uh, job by this little bit part here. Um, so this guy's freaking out and it ends with Corbin taking the gun from him.

Steve

Yep.

Nic

You know, you should let me keep this.

Steve

It's a dangerous weapon.

Nic

He points his gun at this guy, takes this guy's gun, and then this like basket comes down from the ceiling and it looks like it's got 30 confiscated guns that Corbin Dallas has accumulated from like people doing the same shit.

Steve

Lives in a rough part of town, I guess, is what it is.

Nic

You think if you live in a metal box, at least people can't get in. So he has the same security as Lebowski's apartment, right? Except that he lives in this like constantly surveilled dystopian future. It's crazy.

Steve

We should mention too, there's like military sort of medals and different commendations and things around Dallas's apartment.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

And he gets a phone call about the car, the cab that he drives, and getting worked on. And the guy keeps calling him Major. So he's clearly, you know, ex-military. Uh, which, uh, definitely factors in. And then I think the next, uh, scene we get is we get to meet the pig guys, right? Because the, the, the people are flying back, like the, the aliens we saw at the beginning, the, the turtle-looking ones, right, are flying back to Earth, or trying to.

Nic

Yes, 'cause it's their 300-year appointment, and they made it. Uh, and they're called the Mondoshawan, Mondoshawan, or something like that.

Steve

Sure, I didn't write any of that shit down.

Nic

Um, yeah, I'm trying to keep these things straight here.

Steve

I got the turtle aliens and the pig guys, that's what I got.

Nic

So, uh, so Vito Cornelius, uh, the priest, and the president, Tiny Lister, are kind of talking. And, and what Vito Cornelius says is, we have 48 hours to stop this thing. It's gonna keep expanding and, and we're fucked. The good thing is our friends with the stones are on their way, right? 300 years later, just like we planned on. No flat tires, no travel delays. Like, they're just gonna arrive here. And props to these guys, they're there. Yeah, they're pulling in. So it's like, cool. Yep, we knew about this and now we're here for it. So no stress. Uh, we're just gonna park our spaceship gently on the ground. And then out of nowhere, these, uh, smaller kind of fighter ships appear with these— I don't know how to describe these kind of monsters.

Steve

I've always called them pig guys. Yeah, they're not really pigs, they're not quite snouty enough, but they kind of have a pig vibe to them.

Nic

Yeah, yeah, very, very puppety looking, uh, guys, which became a distraction because of how much of the movie these guys are in. I didn't remember how much it was showing these motherfuckers all the time. This was Dark Crystal-ish, like, throughout this thing.

Steve

Absolutely.

Nic

Um, But the, the pig guys shoot down the hero benevolent alien race with the advanced technology because apparently they have no weapons. They have no way of defending themselves.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

Uh, so they turn into a big pile of dust on the planet surface. We're fucked. The stones were on board. What are we gonna do? Yeah.

Steve

And, and Vito is, you know, Corleone— I can't say Corleone— Cornelius. Uh, Vito Cornelius is like, we're doomed or whatever. But there are almost immediately Uh, the government— some government officials are able to get to the wreck.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Search it, find that there's no stones there. They were taken, right?

Nic

But—.

Steve

Or they just— they weren't there. And then, uh, but recover the hand of one of the beings, and it's being transported, just the hand, to like this like nuclear lab or whatever where they're gonna do something with it. And the scientist there is saying like, well, look, we only need a few cells and we can do a full clone like reproduction, and this particular being, whatever, like we have X number of like, you know, whatever genetic pairs or something in our DNA, they have like 200 times that or something.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

So it's like, you know, the idea being this is potentially—.

Nic

Like you need so little of it to clone something from it.

Steve

And that potentially the secret to like the way life exists or like all life is potentially encoded here. Like this is like a discovery kind of thing. And so they put this hand into this big metal tube or whatever and it starts like recreating—.

Nic

It was really just the 3D printing a person. It looked very cool.

Steve

It was great. Yeah, it really held up. I was really impressed by the special effects in this section. I really thought it was good.

Nic

It was kind of like Starship Troopers where they're reconstructing Johnny Rico and stuff like that. Yeah, very, very cool. And in Face/Off where they're making the ear in the same idea.

Steve

Same year, both movies.

Nic

Yeah, that's right, both of them. So there, one guy thought of that idea and it got in 3 movies. Yeah, so it's a cool scene. And they— it's funny, it's a hand that's still holding on to something.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

And then that just kind of goes away. It would be, it would be really funny if it goes— so it ends up creating this person, but it's not creating one of these armadillo turtle guys, it's creating human woman.

Steve

Well, but I think that— I think the point is that's who's inside those things. Like, I honestly think like that is just armor and spacesuits, those guys, and that what's inside them is essentially, you know, visibly indistinguishable from human but some other being altogether. And they wear those spacesuits and things to travel to other planets. Like, that's my—.

Nic

Okay, that makes sense.

Steve

I think that's what I thought.

Nic

Well, that's why they'd have an interest in Earth in the first place.

Steve

Yeah, exactly. So yeah, I think that's what's going on. But it does— it creates Milla Jovovich. Uh, you know, obviously they're all kind of like, oh my God, she is perfect, like this whole thing.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Uh, and then they, they have to put thermal bandages on her. They can't just give her clothes.

Nic

It's just basically like Luc Besson saying, cover up the nipples.

Steve

Just the nips and the booty.

Nic

That's my wife. I did read that that was Luc Besson's wife from '97 to '99. He was married to Milla Jovovich. So May have had something to do with the casting decision, or vice versa.

Steve

Because because if they would have been cast before ninety-seven, that's true. This movie came out in ninety-seven.

Nic

So that was the agreement. You marry me when we're done. And there are like throughout this movie, they do a good job of picking really weird-looking people.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

Like people who have very interesting faces and interesting hairstyles and stuff like that. So a lot of the people, the the people that are working in this lab have very, very funky looks. Um, we find out that the, the attack to shoot this ship down in the first place was ordered by Zorg, who's, uh—.

Steve

Zorg? Zorg.

Nic

Gary Oldman's— I was thinking of, uh, A View to a Kill, Christopher Walken's character. Um, yeah, so Gary Oldman's character Zorg, uh, ordered the attack for some reason. So yeah, the, the machine constructs the person. It's funny when it goes like— it'll— it makes the bones and then it does like the muscular tissue. And then he says something about, and now we blast it with slightly greasy solar atoms, and the body responds naturally by like growing skin, like the way that the scientists are saying. And I'm like, slightly greasy solar atoms?

Steve

Ew. What happened here, 100%, is that they couldn't do CGI realistically to do— they could do it for bones, they could do it for like tendons and sinew, but they couldn't do it for skin. So they had to cover it up. And then the explanation is so hand-wavy. Uh, it's, uh, solar things. It just makes skin.

Nic

It's cool.

Steve

It's cool.

Nic

Greasy solar atoms.

Steve

Greasy solar atoms, that's a thing. That's a thing, those can be greasy. Yeah, so that's, I'll just be real quick, like some of the problems I have with this movie are the place, there's this incongruousness between where they decide to give us a bunch of detailed story about something and other places where they hand wave away really complicated shit that like doesn't make much sense.

Nic

Right.

Steve

So it's like, why did that work like that? I guess I don't know. This is 300 years, or, you know, 250 years, or now— Jesus Christ, I can't do my own math. At this point, this is 200 years in the future, give or take. And yet the, the biggest star in the world has a radio show?

Nic

Yeah, they missed on a few of these things.

Steve

There's a few things here that don't quite work, but this is one of them. The, the how did skin get created? Yeah, it doesn't fly with me, and I'm not even a scientist.

Nic

Greasy solar atoms. Yeah, so, so now Milla Jovovich has been created. She's wrapped in her thermal bandage. This this really cool looking kind of white, uh, uniform thing that she's in, and she's in this glass terrarium just kind of freaking out. She doesn't speak the language. Obviously she's saying things, they don't know what she's saying, and they don't know what language it is. It's some, uh, divine language, they, they refer to it later. Um, and the fucking generals and stuff are like taunting her. They're like tapping on the glass. So this one guy goes up and he taps on the glass and she— and he's just kind of like, hey sweetie, if you don't start speaking English, like, what's your expectation here, dude? You're not amazed by anything you just saw?

Steve

The whole thing is incredible.

Nic

This second she was made from the hand of a spacesuit, basically, and now this beautiful woman appears and you're just like, speak English or get out of my country, bitch. Jesus, man.

Steve

Oh my God.

Nic

But it is funny that she punches through the glass to like grab him and smash him against it to knock him out. She escapes very easily. She hits the button and she like Kool-Aid Mans through the wall, through the wall that's made out of Foil? It's made out of the wrapping on those, like, Ferrero Rochers.

Steve

Yes. Yes.

Nic

I, I did—.

Steve

None of it made any sense. It's so faint to me.

Nic

We're high enough— like, the idea that we get in a second is we're probably high enough up that you need some kind of pressurization indoors, potentially.

Steve

Maybe.

Nic

Or at least something that, that a, uh, you know, 105-pound being can't just, like, do a casual dive all the way through.

Steve

You would think. Um, it is very Blade Runner-ish where all of the, you know, society is built vertically now, right? Like, we've run out of space, and so, you know, all of our buildings have to be like 5 miles tall or some shit. And there's like, you know, strata within the society as you go down. And none of this ever gets explained, but it's sort of hinted at.

Nic

No, and it would've been nice.

Steve

It would've been interesting to at least understand what the fuck is going on. But that's okay. She busts out, she gets like cornered, very fugitive style, where on the edge of the building, and the cops who look like kind of Judge Dredd-ish, sort of, but like, I don't know if you saw that one with Sylvester Stallone. Yeah. They got that kind of look to 'em.

Nic

They totally do.

Steve

Helmets, big wide body armor, like a very strange look.

Nic

Not necessarily big, very wide. It's like a cross between the Judge Dredd uniform and those, those big sumo suits that they have you fight in at like corporate retreats.

Steve

Yep, like team-building exercises. Yeah, we should mention, because I didn't realize we didn't mention before, but the costume design for the entire film was by very famous French couture designer Jean Paul Gaultier. Did all of the costume design for this movie, so that was his take on it. Now, I don't know how Besson might have also been very, very involved, you know, in that, in that design and everything, but these are, you know, Jean-Paul Gaultier's name is attached to all of this. Yeah.

Nic

And I wonder if the effect is like that all the cops in this, when they're in the uniform, are so lumbery and dipshitty with everything that they do. And I wonder if that's intentional.

Steve

But almost all of them seemed overweight too. I don't know if it was 100% of them, but most of them seemed like fat guys, right? So it feels like there was a commentary there, eating McDonald's, like, yeah.

Nic

It shows them doing fat guy stuff. Yes, like they're not interested in fitness or chases or anything.

Steve

Well, you can't chase anybody anymore. No, right? The whole world is flying. Like, it's like, what do you even do anymore?

Nic

So, uh, so, so the, uh, Milla Jovovich jumps off the ledge. She's been followed out to this ledge surrounded by the cops, and they see that, okay, she's got no ID, which means you have no ID, you're done. Like, there's—.

Steve

Well, because like everybody's in the system in this future, they assume, right? So to have no file at all is like, well, so you're a problem.

Nic

You're something wrong here.

Steve

Yeah, exactly.

Nic

Um, and, uh, And she ends up diving. Does the Richard Campbell dive. And luckily there's the nice soft roof of a taxi cab to break her fall.

Steve

Blows right through Corbin Dallas's cab roof, which he almost then crashes. And we get this thing too where like you have points on your license left, which is kind of the opposite at least of how points work in California, uh, where getting them is bad, you don't want them. Right now there's a certain number of points you're like allowed to fuck up a certain amount before they take away your license or something. And so he had 5 points left And this person falling through his roof takes four.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

So now he's down to his last point or whatever. So he tries a little bit to figure out what's going on. The cops kind of stop him and you know, hey, like there's somebody in your car. We need to arrest her. Like all this stuff. And at first he's like, I don't. I can't do this. Like I can't. You know. Yeah. I'm gonna let them get you. Sorry, lady. I don't know who you are, and I don't have any time to deal with this. But then she sees a little like you know sign on the back, like an ad for something that just says, "Please help." Like a little kid, like a donation thing, charity or something. And she tries to pronounce the words because it's a sad looking kid. So he's She's figuring, again, this is like a brutally intelligent, massively intelligent being that just has no way to communicate in English.

Nic

Right.

Steve

That's sort of the problem, which is like, little problem here. So either she's a clone and doesn't have any of the knowledge of the original Supreme Being, if she's just a physical clone, she would have the brain of a baby basically, which is one possible explanation. But she learns, she kind of figures stuff out real fast. And then later it's like, Oh, I guess later when they're teaching her about human history, it had been 5,000 years. I guess nobody spoke English 5,000 years ago, did they? Yeah. Yeah, that's not it, that wasn't a language then. Okay, that actually works out okay. There's pieces of this that don't quite make sense to me, but I guess that actually isn't really a hole the way I thought it was. I was thinking like, why wouldn't she know how to speak English? Or why does she— either she should have all of the memories of the original Supreme Being, including how to speak English, or none of them, and then she wouldn't really know what the fuck she was doing, which wouldn't work for the plot. But then I realized they said she was asleep for 5,000 years. It's not like she was flying the ship. Okay, which is another reason why the fact that it was that same kind of spacesuit hand holding something was weird. She should have been in the sarcophagus, right?

Nic

Oh, interesting.

Steve

That's the thing, that she should have been traveling in the sarcophagus asleep. It's very strange.

Nic

Well, she was the one in the sarcophagus at the beginning.

Steve

That's what we're supposed to believe. Yeah, that's, that's what we're supposed to believe.

Nic

But yeah, Luke, Luke Besson—.

Steve

Goddamn it, Luke.

Nic

Cared more about the costumes. Um, so, so She's pleading with, uh, Corbin Dallas, like, please help, please help. And he's just kind of like, I don't know if I can do this. Uh, and the cops have now attached a line between the 2 vehicles so the cop can come over to the cab and get her out and stuff. And Corbin's like, all right, fuck it, let's go. And he just like dips down and starts heading directly downwards, which we don't get a full sense of how high up we are, but I mean, this is a lot. Orders of magnitude beyond the tallest things that— the structures that we have, right? You're going Way down there. And, uh, and we see that he ends up, uh, in this area where he says, I'm going down through the fog. And they're in New York, uh, City, as it says, I think.

Steve

Okay. Um, yeah, that's right. That's where the, the, uh, at least with the president, although definitely said New York.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

So yeah.

Nic

Uh, so he goes down and, you know, is able to evade the cops in this area that's the fog, which seems like, you know, a lesser patrolled area, clearly kind of like the underground in Demolition Man type area. And, uh, and he gets a little bit of this information from her, and what she's saying to him is like, priest, priest, Vito Cornelius. And she's given this name, right?

Steve

And he's able to find him in the phone book because we'll have phone books in 200 years.

Nic

Yeah, so phone books and radio shows are definitely going to be there.

Steve

I mean, technically, I guess Ruby Rhod's a podcaster, so we should maybe show a little more respect.

Nic

Anyway, um, so, uh, so So Corbin shows up at Vito Cornelius's apartment, which is, again, like you said, just— you can look it up. Even though he seems to be a top 5 ranking official in the government that governs 300 billion people.

Steve

I get the sense that he's brought in as an advisor in this particular situation because it's these stones and this stuff, but that actually he's more like the religion that he represents has been kind of like, oh, okay, go sit over there. It's maybe even frowned upon or sort of not given respect anymore because nobody believes it's real. Because if you're only important every 5,000 years, Like, what do we care kind of thing, you know what I mean? So it feels to me like he himself, you know, is—.

Nic

So he's not a big shot, he's just like the expert.

Steve

It also feels like this religion only requires a handful of people to exist to believe in it at a time, right? So that you can hand, you know, pass on to the next generation.

Nic

Yeah, you don't need followers for 5,000 years.

Steve

There's no mass. Yeah, it's just this priest has to keep this alive and then find a new, you know, prodigy or whatever to like— or protégé— to, uh, to, to pass it all on to. Regardless, Dallas brings, uh, the Supreme Being or whatever to, uh, Vito— to, uh, Cornelius. He faints when he realizes what's happening.

Nic

He immediately says, dips over.

Steve

And then, uh, Corbin— Dallas decides to try to kiss her, which is like very weird. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. She's passed out. Like, what does he think, it's Sleeping Beauty? Like, it felt weird to me, um, with his character.

Nic

Like, in general, it didn't make sense because he, he's not like Like a horny guy, but not a horny character, right?

Steve

Yeah, yeah.

Nic

But maybe French director. I gotta throw a little homage to Pepe Le Pew in here or something.

Steve

Belle à la boîte d'hommes.

Nic

So yeah, he he kind of he's like trying to gently wake her up, and then he creeps in to go to kiss her, and then before he gets there, his gun is pointed at his head, and she's got the gun trained on him, and he's just like, "You're right, you're right. My bad.

Steve

I shouldn't have done that." Okay.

Nic

And he's trying to explain to her like, "Hey, you remember me from the cab? Like what are we?" You know, I am— what are we doing?

Steve

What?

Nic

And, uh, Jesus Christ, he just goes, he just goes and leaves.

Steve

And he asks on his way out, he asks Cornelius, hey, what is— what does this mean? And it's whatever words she said. And he goes, uh, it means never, never without my permission. He goes, that's what I thought. Like, you basically told— she told him, like, don't kiss me without my permission, you know? So, um, then we cut to our pigmen are back.

Nic

Yes.

Steve

And, uh, and we're— well, actually, no, we're walking, we're walking with, uh, Zorg, with, uh, uh, Gary Oldman's character with one of the weirdest meaningless plastic plates on his head. Like, I can't quite figure out— I guess it's just fashion, I suppose. I can't quite figure it out.

Nic

Yeah, it's super bizarre. And it doesn't look like— it's not a— like you said, it's not like a metal plate that's replacing a missing piece of the skull. It does look like just a superfluous little extra plastic over his head.

Steve

So it must be a fashion choice. But he looks very, very interesting. A very deep Texas accent, it feels like, is what his accent seems like.

Nic

It's really funny in there.

Steve

But he goes because the pigmen have brought the stones, the case of stones to him. And so he is then delivering cases full of these really crazy guns.

Nic

Yes.

Steve

With like every possible— it's got a flamethrower and missile launchers and something that'll freeze people in place and a net launcher, all this stuff. And they've got 4 cases worth of them. So he takes the thing and he opens up the case and there's nothing in the case. And he gets in an argument with the pigmen about like, you know, what do I need with an empty case?

Nic

Right, I was gonna give you 4 cases of weapons for 4 stones. For 4 stones, zero stones, zero cases.

Steve

But then he ends up acquiescing 'cause it looks like the pigmen are gonna kill him. Says like, okay, one case. You didn't do what you're supposed to do, but I'll let you keep one of them. And he walks off and he says something to his assistant about like, like, you know, oh, you know, they really should have asked about what that red button was at the bottom of the gun. And then you see one of the guys like looking at it and he presses it and it blows everybody up. It seems like so.

Nic

Uh, and his assistant, before he dealt with the pig guys, uh, the guy was saying like, oh, they want us to fire 500,000.

Steve

Should we do that?

Nic

And he's like, fire 1 million. So he's, he's in some kind of control over some corporation or something.

Steve

It's hard to tell exactly.

Nic

Yeah, this is one of those like Globochem International type, uh, things there.

Steve

Evil corporation invested in Starbucks.

Nic

Um, so, so they find out that the stones are missing and that they are in, uh, Planet Flosston in a hotel. They get that information, right?

Steve

No, so yeah, it's, uh, so they call in, like, he needs to meet with Cornelius.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

And there's this whole scene where like he basically tells Cornelius like, I need to find these, where are they? And Cornelius is like, I don't know. Like, whatever. Um, I don't remember exactly how it comes out with that. Oh no, that's right, because there's a cockroach with a little, uh, antenna on it that Zorg's man, like, sends into, like, the government offices or whatever. I think it's like, is on, uh, Cornelius and, and comes off of him or something like that.

Nic

Yes.

Steve

And basically overhears, yeah, that, like, the stones were entrusted to the diva who will be performing on— at Flotsam Paradise.

Nic

Yeah, Flotsam Paradise.

Steve

So strange.

Nic

Right.

Steve

Which is like apparently the best luxury hotel in the galaxy or some shit, like whatever it is. And so that's how they get information about that.

Nic

The guy controlling the cockroach is— do you recognize that guy?

Steve

A little bit.

Nic

He's a, like, a trip-hop artist. I think he was a member of Massive Attack. Tricky. Oh yeah, that's right. Okay, good weird-looking guy. Yes, very good weird-looking guy.

Steve

Not the weird-looking guys from The Prodigy, but kind of in the same ballpark.

Nic

Absolutely in the same ballpark.

Steve

Yeah. Nice.

Nic

Or was Tricky in Project— no, I don't think so. So let's see. So when Zorg is talking to Vito Cornelius in the office, he does— he starts choking. So he's— yeah, everything is automated in very funny ways. So this, like, he pushes a button and this bowl of fruit pops up on his desk and it's like, fruit. And then he pulls a cherry off there and it says, a cherry. Um, so he pops this cherry in his mouth, he starts choking. Yes. And as he's choking, you know, Cornelius realizes like, okay, I got a little power, I can say some stuff to this guy. And Zorg is pushing all these buttons and all this weird stuff is happening. There's like this series of Roombas and all these things that come out.

Steve

Dry cleaning pops out of somewhere. It's just very strange stuff left and right.

Nic

This creature that's his pet, which I don't understand in any way, it's like a, like an elephant but Nermal from the Garfield cartoons. Like, I don't know, I don't like it. I feel like they just had an extra guy and they were like, we have to use this in the movie. But very Dark Crystal-y.

Steve

Yeah, and that little puppet guy did remind me of another movie, and I'm not gonna think of it now, but like, it really has the vibe. Well, you know what it looks like? It's, uh, Max Rebo from the, the blue guy from the, uh, band in Return of the Jedi at the beginning of Jabba's Palace. Yeah, not blue, but like a little tiny version of that guy. Yeah, sort of what he looks like.

Nic

Yeah, so Zorg has all this, this crazy shit, and, um, and And Vito, you know, ends up— because Zorg is basically like, hey, money and power are the best things. And then Vito's like, oh, now that you're choking, where good is your money and all your gadgets or whatever? Who's here to slap you on the back? So he saves him from choking.

Steve

Yeah, which saves his life because even Zorg even says, you saved my life, so I'll spare yours, but like, get the fuck out, right? Kind of thing. And then what the conversation that is overheard by the little cockroach bug includes both that that, you know, the diva has the stones and she'll be performing at Flosston Paradise. And then I don't think that they hear— oh, then they hear something about like, you know, do you have somebody that can handle this? And the general's like, oh, I got just the right guy in mind. And I can't remember now if they hear that it's Corbin Dallas or not at this point, because what we cut to then is Corbin Dallas sitting at his window out to the world, which is super open and very dangerous.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Sushi boat, some kind of like Chinese-looking lunch boat, is sitting outside like serving him lunch, which is great. It feels again very much like the noodle bar in Blade Runner. Oh yeah, except, except you have to go to the noodle bar. The noodle bar doesn't come to you. But like there's a vibe there that's very similar. Um, there's a— so, so much of this is Blade Runner coded to me.

Nic

There— yeah, there's a lot of Blade Runner stuff in here for sure. Um, yeah, so it's kind of cool how this thing pulls up to his door and the guy— and he gets a letter in the mail and the guy's like, uh, You know, I bet you it's good news. I bet you lunch, whatever. And then he finds out he's been fired from his cab job.

Steve

Done with that.

Nic

So during this time, he gets a visit now from the military people. This is his Colonel Trautman visit that he's getting, right? And they're saying, you know, Corbin, like, you're spe— and they run through some of his credentials. Like, you were Special Forces. You got this award and this award.

Steve

Most decorated man in your unit and the only one left alive. Very, very John Rambo. Right.

Nic

And what we need you to do is go to Flawston Paradise because we know where these stones are, so we're sending you on this mission here.

Steve

And the diva will be expecting you. Like, it'll be a thing where it's like, you'll just pick them up and bring them back, like, no big deal. But they've been announcing all over the radio, apparently, that he won this contest, which is, like, not the way you do that sort of thing, but whatever. He then gets another notification that is actually the information about going with, like, tickets and, like, all this stuff. And that's when he sees, like, his doorbell rings, whatever, and Leeloo is sitting at the, you know, the Supreme Being, whatever. I think she called herself Leeloo. By now, um, is standing at the front door. And he's like, oh my God, like, and he doesn't want the military people to find them 'cause they'll recognize her and like whatever else. So he shoves them into like his refrigerator or something and it goes down somewhere else. And then she comes in, but only— but also Cornelius is there and he like threatens, you know, Dallas and is like, give me your, give me your, your tickets. Like, we gotta take 'em. I'm so sorry to do this, but like we need to go get those stones. Then the cops show up next, I think.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Yeah. And they're looking for him. So he shoves Leeloo into the shower and Cornelius into the bed, which goes— so everything gets like tucked away. Yeah.

Nic

Right. And when the bed goes away, there's like a second bed that's automatically made and wrapped in plastic that pops up.

Steve

Right. Very strange.

Nic

Yeah. So he pushed— he pushes everyone away. His refrigerator has the capacity for 3 adults.

Steve

With no shelves in it anymore, apparently. I think it's a bad—.

Nic

It's a bad use of his space if he has that much. If you have a walk-in refrigerator, but then like no windows, that's not good.

Steve

No, exactly.

Nic

So, so they're all hidden, but the cops are coming around. And, uh, on the wall of almost every building and then a lot of different surfaces, there's these 2 circles, right? So at different times you'll be asked by the authorities, like, put your hand in the circles and we're gonna come scan you. Uh, so they're going, they're looking for Corbin Dallas, right?

Steve

Right.

Nic

And they, uh, they scan, they're like, are you Corbin Dallas? And he's like, uh, or are— do you identify as human? Yeah. And he says, No, I am a meat popsicle.

Steve

So here's the thing. So they find that the neighbor— so the little Corbin Dallas, it's like he had a little card on his, on his door. Yeah. And it got put on another door. I think maybe Cornelius did or something to like uncover the people. I don't remember. The point is the cops go to the other guy and scan him and, you know, ask him to scan, and he's like, no, fuck off, or whatever. So they just take him and say, we got Corbin Dallas. Yeah. They were able to scan in 2.5 seconds Leeloo and get no file. Yeah, why do they not just scan Corbin Dallas to see that he's Corbin Dallas? It's so weird.

Nic

Like a tiny handwritten, obviously moved name tag on the door is what they took as the full evidence.

Steve

Yeah, so they do take him away, um, but so the police get him, but it's the pig guys, right? Isn't that— or no, the pig guys come and, and ambush the cops to take the guy, right? Isn't that it?

Nic

I can't remember now. Yeah, so the pig guys end up with, with the guy. So everyone's— they know that Corbin Dallas has won the tickets to this thing. They all know they need to go. They And the only way anyone can think of to go there is to pretend to be Corbin Dallas. Everything's sold out because that's yeah who's meeting the diva and all that stuff.

Steve

Exactly.

Nic

So let's see here.

Steve

This is when the movie starts getting a little complicated at this point.

Nic

Frankly, I do have to say like Luke Basson really went really went crazy with this. So we're arriving now kind of at the departure center here.

Steve

Yeah. Well, so wait. So Cornelius has knocked Dallas out and taken the ticket. He's got that same person. He's going to pretend that he or actually. His assistant is, is going to pretend to be Dallas, Corbin Dallas, and Leeloo will be Leeloo Dallas, his wife, whatever. And they'll go so that they can retrieve the thing. It's actually not a terrible plan, except that Cornelius's assistant is milquetoast and not—.

Nic

He has no—.

Steve

Yeah, right, very bad.

Nic

He has no fortitude at all. Uh, he is wearing a really cool, like, Devo plant pot kind of looking hat. That, uh, that's a nice choice there. Um, so yeah, so they're The assistant and Leeloo now are up at the travel agent desk, and they've gotten Leeloo Dallas an ID. So they have these IDs that say multipass, right? And, uh, and the lady's like, you know, are you Corbin Dallas? Yeah, yeah, I'm Corbin Dallas.

Steve

Are you?

Nic

And she's like, Leeloo Dallas, multipass. Like, clearly, you know. But the real Corbin Dallas shows up and basically shows up behind him right as things are going wrong. He's like, oh hey, thanks for holding my spot, man.

Steve

Deuces. Like, yeah. And so he's like, he's got his pass. So now they, they are the two actually getting on the ship to go to this place. Yeah, but immediately after that, someone who looks just like the guy that was kidnapped by the cops and then kidnapped again by the pigs and a woman show up and claim to be Corbin Dallas and Leeloo Dallas, or, you know, whoever. And they're like, wait, what? And then it's like, you can see, it's like maybe stress causes this, but those pig guys are like shapeshifters. Yes. And like the shapeshifting starts to like falter for the guy, and the woman's like, oh, let's go, let's go, let's go. Like they walk away.

Nic

And then like, another good weird-looking guy.

Steve

Yeah, exactly. And then fucking Tricky shows up or whatever to also pretend to be Corbin Dallas. Yeah, so everybody's trying to be Corbin Dallas.

Nic

So everyone has the same bad plan.

Steve

Exactly. But actual Corbin Dallas gets on the actual ship.

Nic

So yeah, um, so now Corbin, uh, part of the deal of his winning this thing is he's gonna appear the next day or later that day on Ruby Rhod's show. And this is who we haven't seen yet or heard from, which would have helped if maybe the most famous radio show in the world was like on at least in a couple seconds, referenced in any way, different parts, right? Because it's like, all right, what the fuck? Because it becomes a whole different movie.

Steve

It really does. It shifts so hard.

Nic

We get this crazy-ass, uh, scene where Chris Tucker as Ruby Rhod— he is definitely like a, like a Prince-inspired type character, a little androgynous, wild, uh, haircut, this blonde, uh, haircut with like a cylinder of blonde hair shooting out almost like a unicorn horn, but like a flashlight. Yeah, for a unicorn horn, um, that's coming out the front of his head. And, uh, this costume design here is great. The way that the flight attendants and the ticketing agents and all this stuff, these women are dressed, is very cool and futuristic looking. Like, I think they nailed that part of it.

Steve

And it's so funny that like every single person that's not important to the plot that we meet is either a fat guy who's a cop or like a supermodel woman. Yeah, that's it. That's all that exists, it seems like, except for like the actual characters that are in there. They're all unique. But like all the like standard people in the world are either like fat like the cop guys, or they're these model women. And it's just an interesting—.

Nic

It's like the King of Queens universe. Um, and so, so Ruby Rhod, we get a lot of him dancing around. The music is very weird, reminds me a lot of the Simon Phoenix scenes in Demolition Man.

Steve

With the red scratches.

Nic

I don't know if it was— I don't think it's the same, uh, person doing the music, but really like bizarre. Yeah, super '90s. Kind of shit.

Steve

Yep.

Nic

Um, there's a pretty unnecessary ruby rod, like, sex scene, like, extended scene where it keeps cutting back and forth to him, like, going down on one of these, uh, flight attendants and then cutting to the other action with, uh, with Corbin and stuff. I do not like to see Chris Tucker engaged in sexual activity on an aircraft. That's all.

Steve

All right.

Nic

It's too close to home.

Steve

Here's the thing though, I think that the scene— this part was put in— I really felt like for years, like, not just this watch-through. This element of having Ruby Rhod go down on this flight attendant and have sex with her, I think was included strictly for the reason that then nobody could claim Chris Tucker played a gay character. 'Cause Ruby Rhod comes off as so, like, androgynous in some ways and effeminate in others. Yeah. You would absolutely be not at all out of line to assume, like, oh, that guy might be gay, like, as a character, right?

Nic

No.

Steve

But in order to make sure, for whatever reason, that that was not what was going to be believed, let's make sure that he goes down on a flight attendant and fucks her before they take off. Like, yeah, yeah, that was just— I honestly believe that only exists there to tell us like, and he's a hetero. Like, okay, right. I guess, remember, we're French, right? I guess it was still important to make sure we call that out.

Nic

But Ruby Rhod does have some kind of, uh, Starina-style reactions to things, you know? Like I said, very definitely coded. Um, so let's see here.

Steve

So now we're ready to take off. They're putting everybody to sleep in these little sleep containers. Yeah. And Zorg's right-hand man Tricky, right, is calling and saying like, I didn't get on the planes. Like, what do you mean? Or I think, what do you mean you get on it? Like, the real Corbin Dallas showed up. Like, I couldn't get the thing. Like, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And he was like, oh, well, that's just too bad. And then it's like he blows him up remotely. Like, the dude was wearing a bomb or something. So he just blows him up in the middle of the spaceport, which causes a bunch of chaos, but doesn't actually sort of like help anything. I do think that Cornelius gets onto the ship through the landing gear.

Nic

Yes.

Steve

The opposite of how we've seen landing gear used in the past.

Nic

He does. And then Cornelius does, does the reverse John Matrix. Exactly. Yeah. And he climbs up in the landing gear. Um, and another puppet effect where they were pulling the, uh, the vermin out of the landing gear, like these parasites that get stuck in here, and these little like balls of rat thing that they were just shooting with a flamethrower. Again, kind of unnecessary. I feel like the puppet budget was just way under and they just did some extra shit on this. Um, so Sorg gets a phone call.

Steve

Yes, from Mr. Shadow.

Nic

Mr. Shadow, which— Fucking kill yourself.

Steve

So this is actually funnier. The, the big space ball darkness thing, yeah, starts to like emanate some kind of radio wave. And the, and the government people that are watching— now there's a bunch of ships not attacking it but just sort of like watching it so that they have an eye on it, right? And they all say like, oh, you know, they report to the president, sir, there's some like radio waves emanating from it. It's like, why would that happen? It's like, maybe it's trying to communicate. Then the fucking phone rings in Zorg's office. It's like, really? Like, what the fuck? And then he's talking, and it's this, of course, a super deep voice, like, Zorg, I need the thing. Where's the stones? Like the whole deal, right? Because we should— I think we did mention this little bit of lore. If, if the 4 stones are put together and then the Supreme Being is in the middle of the stones, it'll be a weapon against all of evil. But if the evil is there and then it destroys all life throughout all of the universe. Like, it's like the opposite thing, right? So, so that's— this evil entity is trying to get to where the 4 stones are so that it can cause the death of all life. Okay, while talking to Mr. Shadow, Zorg, he just starts bleeding from his head, not from a wound.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

The darkest, brownest blood. It's like the worst effect in the whole movie, full of good effects.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Why was this blood so bizarre looking? That was like— it looked like sewer water, like, just dripping down his face.

Nic

Yeah, that was, that was a weird choice. Very strange. Because it almost like show— I, I guess it explains the plastic thing there because at least that came into play with the blood. But show like your nose or your ear bleeding or something like that. I don't know, unnecessary, that whole part, skip it. Um, so the Flossen Paradise, they're arriving and it's like a big cruise ship but also goes into space because it shows in water too. But then when they arrive, it's kind of like Hawaii. They have leis, they have Polynesian music and all this stuff. Crap skirts and shit.

Steve

Like, it's so fucking weird. Why would it be Hawaii? Anyway, so they arrive at Flossin' Paradise, and Dallas gets a call from his mom, which you mentioned before. Tons of calls from his mom.

Nic

Like, why?

Steve

That's happening.

Nic

Don't help. Not funny, doesn't help.

Steve

But she does say one funny line here, which is, I never should have pushed you out. It's like pretty legit.

Nic

So they check into their suite. So they know that the diva is gonna be staying nearby. That's who they have to meet. That's who has the stones for it. Them, uh, but they're gonna go to the concert beforehand and all that. Um, when they, they check into the suite, it's very blue and opulent. I mean, a good sweepstakes winner suite, because a lot of times they put you in the most crap room, you know.

Steve

This looked like a presidential.

Nic

This is good. This was fancy. You're staying near the entertainer for the night.

Steve

There you go.

Nic

Yeah, it's like rooming next to Carrot Top in, uh, in Vegas.

Steve

Lovely.

Nic

So now at this concert of this diva, who is definitely a non-human thing, but there aren't other versions of that, uh, alien race that I've seen. Doesn't explain where from, it's just, you know, not a human.

Steve

Correct.

Nic

And some kind of alien, taller tubes coming out of your head, no clothes.

Steve

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, so they go to the, to the opera house on the ship where the show's gonna happen, and Ruby Rhod is doing his radio show. So at the start of this, he's got his little microphone on the whole time and he is broadcasting everything that's happening, everything he's saying, everything he's hearing is getting broadcasted over his radio show starting with arriving at this thing. And Leeloo's not with him. I don't know why. They don't really explain why. But Dallas is there. He's got a tux on, and he's like there to watch the show or whatever and meet with the diva after the show, because they were told like after the show the diva will, will, you know, do the handoff. Yeah.

Nic

And, uh, so with the diva concert, kind of a cool scene. I mean, it doesn't— it doesn't fit, but nothing in this fits that well. But it is like a pretty enjoyable scene, and especially as it picks up with the singing It gets cool. The, the little hand motions she's doing, the— where she's like popping her hands in and out, almost jazz hands, very silly.

Steve

Um, spirit fingers.

Nic

But it's a good thing to have in the background. They're cutting back and forth between the Divas concert and these pig, uh, the pig guys that have broken into the Divas hotel room looking for the stone. So they're pulling it apart.

Steve

They make no— they make no attempt to explain in any way, shape, or form how the pigs got on board. Why did they care about impersonating Korben Dallas to get on board if they could just get on board their entire army?

Nic

Well, they could just shift into like a crew member, right?

Steve

But that's the thing, it's like, it doesn't make any sense like why they even gave a shit about going that route of getting Korben Dallas's thing, like whatever.

Nic

So they have their own ships.

Steve

Yeah, right. And so they're all there, there's like 100 of them or some shit. But they basically start, um, uh, they go into the Diva's like room and then like Leeloo is trying to like fight them. And so this is really this battle that's happening. It's an intercutting back and forth between the, the show, uh, in the opera room, the opera theater, and then this, this fight happening between the pigs and Leeloo, um, and with the music playing the whole time. So the music track plays the whole time, but we cut visually back and forth, and it really is one of the best sequences in this movie. Very, very entertaining, a lot of fun. Um, but then Zorg arrives as well. Like, he shows up.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

And so, like, the pigs attack, Leeloo's fighting them, But then as she's kind of winning and getting close to winning, one of them has grabbed the case that they believe has the stones in it, right? And then Zorg shows up to the room with that crazy gun that he had before. Yeah. And so he kills the other pigs, and then he is like shooting after Leeloo, gets her up into the ductwork above, doesn't actually kill her, but is like fighting or whatever. And he finally decides to like grab the stones and like go to leave. But then in the meantime, the pigs have taken over the ship and attack the diva. Yeah, right.

Nic

The pig guys are just like, well, they know the diva has the stones. That's what they're trying— Zorg came after us. They're like, we're just gonna fuck things up too, right? And we can sell them to somebody else. And yeah, uh, so yeah, so they're just going crazy and they're kind of shooting up the concert. Uh, and this was the point in the movie I just had to write a quick quote from my wife Jeannie, who looked at me and said, I'm sorry, I hate this.

Steve

Oh man.

Nic

So, so there's a lot of shooting happening here. Uh, the Diva gets shot and, um, just a lot of chaos, right? So Corbin is trying to help out. This is a pretty good, uh, shootout scene with the different stuff that's happening. Like, he's taking these guys out. Good, like, dives in slow motion and good action sequence in general.

Steve

And then so, uh, but like, Leeloo is out of the picture. Zorg has set a 20- bomb on the door to the Diva's room or whatever. When Dallas tries to help the Diva because she's been shot, she tells him about who Leeloo is, basically. Like, she's the supreme being, but like, also she's fragile. Like, you need— she needs you. Like, you need to help her, kind of thing. You can't just trust that, you know, whatever. You gotta find her. But she's the weapon that kills the evil, basically. So like, you need her and she needs the stones. And he goes, well, I don't have the stones. Where are the stones? She goes, the stones are in me. And so this is— he pulls them out of her, like, stomach. This is when we see Zorg having left, already on his little ship to escape, 'cause he set that 20-minute bomb, drives off. That's when he decides to open the case. No fucking way. Like, this guy already got bamboozled by an empty case he thought had the stones in it. There is no way he walks out of that hotel room without opening the fucking box. I'm sorry. No way.

Nic

I don't leave the fucking Taco Bell window without verifying my bag is the stuff that I ordered, right? Like, it's so high stakes to wait that long. Like, it's ridiculous, dude.

Steve

This fits just like, uh, Buco saying, you know, make the— make it look like an accident or whatever in Desperado. It's like, it doesn't make any sense. Like, but sure enough, he's left, and so he has to come back because he doesn't have the stones. Uh, okay, so where are we? Dallas has pulled them out of the Diva. That's the last thing I heard.

Nic

So Dallas has the stones now. Um, he is kind of cornered in the bar area by these pig guys who are like shooting at him and stuff. He's looking around for help. Ruby Rod, no help there. He's just kind of freaking out. There's another guy they introduced earlier who's like a famous actor, but he's deaf, right? You know, so there's a gag where, uh, Corbin Dallas is like, hey, hey, like, throw me that gun, throw me that gun. The guy like looks over at him kind of cluelessly and then finally like throws him something and like gives him a look like, did I do good? And he just threw him like 2 pool balls.

Steve

Yeah, they call it billiard balls. I was like, Jesus.

Nic

Um, so there's like some goofy shit where he has one of the pig guys like gets launched on the other end of a board and his head sticks through the ceiling above him. And then, I don't know, but a decent, decent shootout and explosion here. And we're flashing back to Zorg's bomb and we see that there's only 10 minutes left.

Steve

Yes. And then that's when Zorg turns around to head back to the ship because he realizes he doesn't have the stones. Yep. Uh, there's more fighting, more fighting, more fighting.

Nic

Um, oh, they've got Vito as a hostage.

Steve

That's right. The—.

Nic

Oh, they're called— I did write this down— the Mangalores. That's what they were called.

Steve

That's right, that's right. Because Dallas says if you kill the leader— yeah, Mangalores don't fight without their leader. Right. Lucky you, I guess. Maybe that's— maybe Buco was a Mangalore. Yeah. Holy shit. Okay.

Nic

Um, good scene where he looks in, he looks in very quickly. So they've got, they've got Vito at gunpoint and there's a bunch of them in there, and Korben just quickly peeks around the corner. He's like, 7 on the left, 4 on the right, and then turns around, like fires a few shots off, and then he's like, 3 on the left, 2 on the right side.

Steve

That's a good—.

Nic

Good, but buried, you know, buried in this.

Steve

And then they call out, you know, send out somebody to negotiate, and, and he's like looking at like the XO, like the executive officer on the ship or whatever, uh, who by the way was also the young, uh, crew member on Event Horizon, the one who goes out the, uh, goes out the airlock at one point and almost dies out in the vacuum of space. Oh nice. Same actor.

Nic

Yeah, he's also, uh, Norm, the guy who, uh, pretends to be the British professor in Something About Mary and is actually just the pizza guy.

Steve

That's right. Anyway, good stuff from him. But, you know, so Dallas is like, yeah, I'll negotiate, I'll go negotiate. So he just walks right up and just, you know, one-shots the leader into the, you know, between the eyes, uh, which, yeah, sure enough makes all the rest of them draw down. We're just gonna leave.

Nic

No revenge.

Steve

Yeah, no, no, no, there's no— I'm just gonna go. I didn't get paid for this mission, but I'm just gonna leave now.

Nic

Yeah, yeah.

Steve

Suddenly I'm very scared. Very weird.

Nic

Uh, but Yeah, so they they find Lilu. He's looking around for Lilu. He finds her up in the vents. Yep. She's not as good at negotiating the vents as Bruce Willis was in Die Hard or as good as Billy Tepper was in in Toy Soldier.

Steve

That's true. She did get shot though, so I think that's part of. I think she's starting to bleed down. Yeah, got slowed down a little bit.

Nic

But the bomb they as Vito walks into the room, they're all kind of catching each other and he's just kind of like up up up up.

Steve

Up, up, up, up, up. Like, just such a stupid fuck. And this is the thing, the fucking bomb's been there for 15 minutes. It says 5 minutes now on the thing, and he's like, is that a bomb? And they're like, no, of course it's not, because this ship has alarms that detect bombs and go off whenever it detects a bomb. And at that exact moment, the alarm goes off. There's a bomb on the ship. Why the fuck didn't that happen 15 minutes ago?

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Oh my God.

Nic

So everyone's, everyone's running, everyone's evacuating the ship there.

Steve

Um, yeah, causing a full evacuation. Yeah.

Nic

Uh, so they end up, you know, barely escaping, of course, with 1 second left. And Zorn doesn't make it. Yeah, well, Zorn comes back blown up.

Steve

Well, no, Zorn comes back and turns off the bomb. He like defuses it.

Nic

Oh, that's right. But there's a secondary bomb. The pigs— one of the pig guys had like a thing on his wrist that, you know, raised the other bomb that then just had 5 seconds. It wasn't another 20 minutes, it was just whatever time was left. So that bomb communicates with the other?

Steve

Or did they just have a 5-second bomb? Because that's right, a 5-second fuse is plenty.

Nic

Yeah, right.

Steve

Jesus Christ.

Nic

Anyway, uh, so Zorg is done. He's— he's no longer a factor.

Steve

The big guys are no longer a factor, right? Dallas steals his ship. He's got Leeloo, he's got the stones, he's got Cornelius all on his ship, and Ruby Rhod. And they all escape on Zorg's ship as the Flotsam, whatever the fuck, Paradise blows blows up, killing Zorg and lots of other people probably. Um, but yeah, then the, the president and the generals are shown celebrating because it's like, oh, they got the stones and they got this and like whatever. And then it's like, oh, the evil planet is now racing towards us at like 12,000 miles a second or some shit.

Nic

Like, you know, totally a, uh, mission accomplished banner moment by the, uh, the president and crew.

Steve

Yep.

Nic

Um, yeah, so they're, they're heading towards Earth in this ship and, uh, on the ship again And this is just another fucking— like, this is something that a 14-year-old would put in the movie, is, is Leeloo is watching, like, she's going through the Encarta CD of encyclopedias.

Steve

Because she only got to V. She said, yeah, she told us, I only got to V.

Nic

And then she gets to W, and then war comes up, right? And she's watching all these horrific— and you will never meet a person who's more against war than me.

Steve

Fucking A.

Nic

This is the ham-handedest shit I've ever seen. If you had a hand made of ham, you could construct a full ham using that thing that they made Leeloo with at the beginning.

Steve

You know the only thing I hate more than war, Nic? The only thing I hate more than war is shitty fucking plot points like this.

Nic

Exactly, exactly. I'm pro-war after watching this.

Steve

Well, I'm not gonna go there, but hey, to each their own.

Nic

So like it shows her watching it and kind of like breaking down.

Steve

But again, this—.

Nic

That belongs in a movie that includes elements of this movie. But I don't know, I don't know if it all fits.

Steve

That should be in The Sixth Element. Do the next one.

Nic

This is— yeah, so they, they land. Luckily there's a parking spot right at that pyramid.

Steve

To be fair, that's the middle of fucking nowhere. There's nothing within, like, there— it's not near other temples. Nothing, nothing at all.

Nic

So they nailed it and, and they've got the stone. So they end up in this room and there's There's kind of 4 pillars surrounding this big area in the middle. So one is for each of the stones and they're trying to figure out, all right, what goes where? And each of the stones has kind of a symbol on the side so I could tell, okay, the fire's this. And then now what?

Steve

What do we do? And so I think it's, Leeloo is not well, like she's not doing well, but she does crack out a couple of sentences to Dallas, something about like wind blows, fire burns. That's all she says, and it's like, that's nothing. But the assistant guy, Cornelius's assistant, like sighs, right, on the wind one, and it moves a little. And they were trying to figure out how it happened, and they eventually figured out, and Corbin like blows on it, and sure enough, it like, bunch of fucking little sparkles come above it. So it's like, okay, do it. So, you know, uh, uh, Cornelius sweats onto the water one.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

And they pick up some dust and dirt and drop it onto the earth one. And then the fire one, you know, Ruby Rhoades, the fire one, he was like, Corbin, Corbin, Corbin, I ain't got no fire, Corbin. I ain't got no matches, Corbin. Corbin. So sure enough, Corbin has a matchbook with him, or a matchbox with one match left, which by the way looked like it was used.

Nic

The top was black. That's definitely what my wife said when she saw that. She said that match has already been used.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

Anyway, yeah, I don't know why they do it that way, but you know, a little, little bit of tension as he lights the match. And is he gonna get it? Oh, he barely touched it.

Steve

Don't breathe. Don't anybody breathe. And then it like starts to flicker, that little, that little flame. This last chance they have to save all of humanity is just on this one Match head.

Nic

That's right. And now all the stones are opened, right? And we've got Leeloo in the middle, and what the fuck, isn't something supposed to happen?

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

And she's, uh, Korben's like, okay, it's time for you to wake up, it's time for you to work, you have to work, do your thing. She's like, I just am still really depressed from all that war stuff I saw on Encarta, and why should I save you fucks if you can't save yourselves?

Steve

Like, I have a mission that I have to accomplish once every 5,000 years, but I'm not gonna. I'm taking a me day. 'Cause war sucks. I need to reflect on what I've learned. I need to really, like, I don't think it's worth it. Humanity clearly is sick. Like, she turns into fucking Agent Smith or whatever from The Matrix. Like, you know, you're clearly a parasite. You're not really a species. You're not a mammal.

Nic

And then she's getting all in her own feelings where he's like, no, no, we need you. And she's like—.

Steve

There's some good things too.

Nic

What good am I other than, other than saving the world? I bet you'll find another girlfriend as soon as you do. So it's, it's apparent that all Korben needs to do is say I love you to activate the switch that will save humanity, and he's just like struggling. Yeah, well, I got commitment issues here, baby. Uh, um, so the priests are kind of like egging him on, like, are you gonna do it? And during this time now, we have this countdown which has been, you know, to 3 minutes and 1 minute of when And then this giant thing, which is already what they said, 1,200 miles across or something ridiculous. It's like the size of the moon or something like that.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

Flying at the Earth. And luckily he says, I love you, and the thing is stopped with like 1 second left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you're still left with this thing hovering. Is that not gonna affect the tides? Like, that's gonna fuck everything up.

Steve

It's a second moon. Right? It's now a second moon.

Nic

That's terrible.

Steve

Could you imagine what would've happened if it approached the Earth from the other side? Yeah. Luckily it came right over the top of that temple so that that perfect Perfectly straight beam of energy goes right into it.

Nic

It couldn't have scooped around the Earth to hit it.

Steve

How lucky.

Nic

Yeah, that worked out really nice. And they say as it stops, they say it was 62 miles from impact. There's no way it's hovering 62 miles above the Earth.

Steve

You know, I had a higher score for this movie when we started this conversation.

Nic

So, so they saved the day. They saved the day, and this giant moon-sized body is just frozen 62 miles above Earth with no future consequence, right? And, uh, and at the end of it, we've got, you know, okay, we're back and we're recovering. So the president and the generals is like, ah, great job, you know, never any doubt. And he's coming in the room, um, where's the hero? I need to talk to him. Oh, uh, they're actually still recovering in the recovery tube where she was built in the first place. And then the scientist goes and like looks in there, and then he's like, Whoa, uh, maybe we should give them a little bit of time because they're humping in there. Um, and it ends with the president like taking the phone call from Corbin Dallas's mom, and this terrible song is playing at the end of the movie. I don't know what it is, but it fucking sucks. And, uh, and it kind of— then we get like a distorted little look into the window where, uh, Leeloo and Corbin are getting it on. And, uh, and that's literally the last image of the entire movie.

Steve

That's That's it.

Nic

That's it for the 5th. I'm serious.

Steve

I, I, I had a score in my mind. I always write down a score when I'm done watching a movie and I've taken my notes. I had a score and I'm— it's gonna be lower what I end up saying today because talking through this, I think I was giving it so much credit because I'd seen it before. Yeah. And so there were elements of it that I just accepted because I'd seen it before. But when I really think about it, like, fuck, there are some dumbass things that happen in this movie.

Nic

Yeah, no, same with me.

Steve

But here's the thing, this was your pick, so you should go first, Nic. You should let us know what you think.

Nic

And you know, I'm apologizing to my 17, 18-year-old self and all my friends then. You guys aren't idiots. You guys aren't stupid. Uh, you guys just will learn a lot in your lives that make this movie look different to you when you get older. Uh, so I hadn't seen this in a decade, probably, maybe more. Yeah. Uh, but I had such fond memories of it. And like, in my head, the things I picture about this movie are, oh, the cool like future city where the cab is zooming through there.

Steve

The lunchbox. And then this is like a great—.

Nic

Yeah, really cool video visual. And then, um, and then we're in space on this opulent cruise ship thing and like crazy costumes, and that's really cool. And that's there, but that's not that much of the movie.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

There's a lot of stuff that I feel like we get way too much of. The pig guys, yeah, we're seeing them too much. Just shapeshift and then be the shapeshifted guy that kind of looks like former, uh, Minnesota Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper.

Steve

He did.

Nic

That's one of the guys that he looked Yeah. Uh, he had small hands though, so he tended to fumble those giant weapons, uh, often. Um, so that I didn't like. Like you said, the, the building of the world without paying enough of it off. It's like you're giving us all this background of this ancient stuff. Like, the whole beginning sequence with Luke Perry was a big chunk of the movie, and then for the, the result to be we create this thing and she learns how terrible war is and how terrible people is But I'm gonna go ahead and save this society, and we're not gonna learn anything. There's not really any commentary on like what a fucking hellscape the world has become. Everyone's just kind of fine with it. But I mean, as far as like problems that we have and like disparity in the lifestyle of different human beings that are living on the planet would be fucking crazy. Like the people in Floss in Paradise versus whoever lives in the fog. Oh yeah, I'm interested in that. And Luc Besson was just smoking a cigarette, riding a bicycle with a baguette under his arm, saying.

Steve

Oh, c'est quoi?

Nic

Um, so it is hard to give this a high rating, and I think I hate to do this, but Fifth Element is just a two out of five.

Steve

Okay.

Nic

I I didn't. I was a little disappointed, and it was long. I mean, there are parts of it that are entertaining, but as far as tying this shit together, I don't think he did that for.

Steve

Yeah, very, very fair points you make altogether. And I think I had a very similar— and I kind of got to it just before you gave your thing, right? But like, I remember liking so much of this movie. Like I said, when I first saw it, I just thought it was weird. But like, I also, at like 17, wasn't into weird stuff. I've gotten more into like absurdist comedy and sort of fantastical, whimsical sort of plotlines and different things over time. And so, you know, in a lot of ways I thought to myself, oh, this is probably more up my alley now than it was, you know, Then. And I think the problem is, is that not enough of it really works, is the problem. Like, it— you talk about like all this sort of backstory we get and all this sort of like information stuff, and my problem is actually that we get so little. There's so little that gets explained or understood or whatever, and we just sort of like have to accept it. And look, you can't ask a movie to give you all the backstory necessary for all these things. So it either has to like have a much less— a much simpler plot. Yeah. Or you need it to be like a fucking TV series or something. You know what I mean? Like, this could have been an 8-hour-long, 8-episode limited series and probably made a hell of a lot more sense.

Nic

Explained some more stuff. Well, and your points about Blade Runner, which is a movie that does an excellent job of explaining the world that current— that exists. It's like, this didn't— it didn't do any of that stuff.

Steve

Total Recall. Yeah. Tells us so much about the existence of people in the world at the time, and it's just better in so many ways than the way this approaches its world-building. So there's that, and then it's like the whimsy and craziness is like fun in a lot of ways, but it also gets tiring. I agree with you that the pig characters are just like, yeah, we see way too much of these fucking weird rubber masks the whole time.

Nic

Does HD— I think we might have talked about this before, but the fact that I have like a, you know, right, 70-inch HDTV at my house, does that make me like this less when I was watching it on a 19-inch like TV CRT with a VHS? Because you're not noticing the limitations of some of these practical effects as much.

Steve

But maybe. But I'll say I watched it on a 12-inch iPad, so yeah. Yeah, didn't really help.

Nic

Better resolution than my old Zenith, but still didn't really help.

Steve

So yeah, I you know, and like I said, I had come in with with a thought of a score that wasn't like a high score, but was like you know a tepid thumbs up sort of thing. And I don't think I can stick with that now. Like after talking it through with you, it's like this movie's a mess. So much of it is just a mess. And actually, I think I think I'm right where you are. I think I'm at a two. I don't think it's worse than that because there are elements of it that are fun and interesting. There are still parts of it that like you know like Lilo dales multipas. Like there's little things that always kind of stick with me.

Nic

Some moments for sure.

Steve

But man, this is not. A good movie. Yeah, it's just not. So that makes it 4 out of 10.

Nic

I was surprised at the ratings that we saw at the beginning.

Steve

Yeah, the 2 thumbs up from Siskel and Ebert in retrospect is like interesting. I think they really loved Luc Besson and really wanted to like— this feels avant-garde in some ways, and I think that that grabbed a lot of people. But yeah, I— so the dads are a 4 out of 10 on The Fifth Element. If you disagree with us, you can email us at you'rewrong@2dads1movie.com. No, just actually the real email The show at twodads1movie.com. You can send us your notes. You can absolutely send us your—.

Nic

Yeah, please do. I know there's a lot of fans of this movie out there.

Steve

Absolutely.

Nic

And, uh, you know, if there's something deeper that you think we're missing, then, uh, go ahead and invent it and tell us.

Steve

Yeah, I actually worry that— or I would be more interested in what's not deep that I'm missing. What's the sh— what's the surface-level thing that went past me that would have explained some of this shit? Uh, anyway, that is, uh, what we've come to on The Fifth Element. And, uh, I think that makes it my pick for next week.

Nic

Yeah, yeah. What do we got coming up, Steve?

Steve

We're going to shift tonal gears significantly. Significantly and not only head back to the '80s and not the '90s, but we're going to a much more sort of traditional comedy, a very, very '80s style comedy. This is a movie that I have introduced many people to in my life. I knew, I know a lot of people growing up, like my wife had never seen this before we got together. And definitely some people, I know a lot of people who'd not ever seen it. And it's one of those movies that like I adore. Like it's like, there's a lot of things online you'll sometimes about, you know, millennials in particular, and we're sort of, you know, the very oldest part of that generation. You know, there's something about that one movie your family had on VHS that you watched the shit out of. It doesn't matter if it's a good one or not, it was yours. Yep. And that was— there are 2 movies that really tick that box for me. One of them is Iron Eagle, which we will watch at some point for sure, uh, even if it is jingoist propaganda.

Nic

I love Lou Gossett though.

Steve

You absolutely do. This one's the other one. And it's John Candy. And it is, he plays an air traffic controller taking his family on vacation to Florida where he runs into Richard Crenna, who is the awful, just terrible Captain Al Pele. Rip Torn is in this playing essentially a modern-day pirate. The movie is Summer Rental and it's just so much fun. But I'm fully accepting, dude, we're going to go into this next week when we talk about this movie and I'm going to like it more than you are. I don't know if that's for sure, but I love this movie. Uh, have you ever seen Summer Rental?

Nic

I have, I have seen it, and definitely not as much as it's probably more well-known, very similar movie The Great Outdoors, right?

Steve

That was like—.

Nic

But I've definitely seen Summer Rental, and I can't imagine being mad at a John Candy movie.

Steve

So there's that.

Nic

I'm ready to sit back and enjoy it. Might not fulfill all of my art film expectations, but I think there's no way it's not going to be fun. I love John Candy. I love it.

Steve

It also has One of the few actually good Jimmy Buffett songs in it that you can't find anywhere. There is a there is a montage in Summer Rental backed by a Jimmy Buffett song that is not released on any Jimmy Buffett records ever. Was only released on the soundtrack for Summer Rental, which does not exist on Spotify or Apple Music or anywhere else. It is the hardest to find Jimmy Buffett song ever, and it's a decent song, which I am not a fan. So that is not. I don't like Cheeseburger in Paradise and Margaritaville and shit, but it's called Turn It Around, and it's actually a pretty. Legit, like, '80s montage banger, which we will get to. We'll definitely talk about next week. That's a wrap. So if you like what you hear, please consider heading over to Apple or Spotify and leaving us a 5-star review. It helps new folks find the show. Be sure to check out our website at twodads1movie.com. That's the number 2 and the number 1. There you can explore the movies we've covered, sign up for our newsletter, The Rewind, and even get sneak previews of upcoming episodes. Once again, this has been The Fifth Element, another episode of 2 Dads 1 Movie. I'm Steve. And I'm Paulo.

Nic

And I'm Nic.

Steve

Thank you so much for listening, and we'll catch you next week.

Nic

Thanks, everyone.