Transcript

Intro Clip

You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal. So you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work. It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is! Then make your choice. I will, and I choose— What in the world can that be? What? Where? I don't see anything. Oh, well, I, I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. What's so funny? I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, And you from yours. You guessed wrong. You only think I guessed wrong. That's what's so funny. I switched glasses when your back was turned. Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

Steve

It's Two Dads One Movie. It's the podcast where two middle-aged dads sit around and shoot the shit about the movies of the '80s and '90s. Here are your hosts, Steve Paulo and Mick Briana. Hello everybody, welcome to another episode of 2 Dads 1 Movie. I'm Steve.

Nic

And I'm Nic.

Steve

And today we are talking about the 1987 fantasy romance adventure classic. And when I say classic, sometimes I kind of facetiously tongue-in-cheek use the term class—.

Nic

It's not a classic in the basketball sense of the word.

Steve

Exactly. It's not that kind of classic. It's a classic in the holy shit, it's actually a classic sense. We're going to talk about The Princess Bride today, and this was my pick for us. And this is one of those movies like there there's there's some some element from this movie like runs through every part of my like childhood and young adulthood. So so the fact that Andre the Giant is in it, I was such a big WWF fan as a kid. I was into Macho Man Randy Savage, so a little bit after Andre's kind of height, right?

Nic

Like really, you know, obviously we were once once it got really big, Andre was kind of on the downside of his wrestling career anyway.

Steve

I mean, yeah, this movie came he was so well known. Absolutely. This movie. We were like 7 years old, give or take, and he was already basically retired from wrestling at that point. So I remember a little bit of Andre the Giant, but I just— I knew him as wrestling, and there was that element. And then, you know, I don't think I saw this movie first thing, you know, like when it came out or whatever, but like would've been fairly quickly on TV somewhere. We had HBO when I was a kid, so maybe it was on that. Yeah. Whatever it was. But it was definitely something I would've seen like before I was 10 for the first time. And then, you know, just everything about it, like the lines, the quotability, like all this stuff. And then when I got into theater in high school, this is another one of those movies that was just like catnip for theater kids. Oh, for sure.

Nic

For sure.

Steve

Yeah, it's insane. Everybody quoting it and like all this stuff. I knew people who would like dressed up as the Man in Black for Halloween and stuff like that. And it just kind of like into college and doing theater stuff in college. Like this just really was a thing that was like somehow always part of my life for probably 15 years consistently, you know, until I was like a full adult. And then I was like, oh, I could go back and visit it. But like for a long time, this movie just occupied so many spaces and so many categories for me. It's just, it's one of my favorites. And I think it's the kind of movie that folks our age, a little bit older and a little bit younger, like really kind of gravitate towards. I've never met anyone who has seen this movie and hated it. Now, yeah, they may be out there, and I've met people who don't care either way, very ambivalent, but I've never met anybody that hated this movie. What's your experience with The Princess Bride?

Nic

Yeah, so, uh, I actually— I agree. I feel that this is like universal, uh, positive approval rating, right? You can say about so few, uh, pieces of art or things in general, right, that people generally love. Uh, I actually didn't get into this one. I don't remember seeing it until probably, uh, high school or after. Uh, so I never saw this as a kid. My stupid, uh, no, no VCR, no cable, uh, log cabin that I lived in. It was just, uh, us kids and my dad typing up his manifesto.

Steve

Oh boy.

Nic

Um, so yeah, I didn't see this until later, but I do remember being like, oh damn, this is really funny. And again, the Andre the Giant thing— psyched to see him in it. Um, and, uh, and, and it became kind of a part of the discourse, and I understood, like, it's very commonly referenced, certain parts of it, which we'll get to.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

Uh, and it's one, yeah, that you're gonna find common ground with almost anybody our age by bringing up this movie.

Steve

I think so. Yeah, I think it's pretty— it's a pretty standard kind of thing.

Nic

What about transferring this to your kids? Do you feel like— have you been able to do that successfully? You've shown them?

Steve

Yeah, both my kids have seen it. My daughter's 8, my son is 12. I think, I think they saw it for the first time when they were 6 and 10. And my daughter Ellie still refers to the movie as Princess Buttercup. So like, I wanna watch Princess Buttercup. Nice. And she's asked for it before. And like, you know, for neither of them, it's, look, she's way more into K-pop Demon Hunters and The Descendants than some of these Disney adjacent sort of movies about, I don't know, it's like the Queen of Hearts kid or something. I don't know, she's into all this stuff that like, I don't understand. That's fine 'cause she's a kid and I'm a grownup and I shouldn't understand everything she's into. But this is still one that she does kind of refer back to and be like, Dad, can we watch Princess Buttercup? And like, we've watched it a couple times. Like my son didn't get into it as much. I don't know, it just didn't like tickle his fancy. But like, you know, I think that it's a movie that was very easy choice for me to say, yeah, yeah, this is an early one that I'll show to my kids. Yeah. You know, it's like, now, right now, by the way, right now my son is 12. He's like so into Indiana Jones, it's crazy. Like he thinks Raiders of the Lost Ark is like the greatest movie of all time. Beautiful. So I'm clearly doing something right as a father there. And my daughter is now begging me to show her Gremlins because I told her I saw Gremlins when I was 4. And she was like, well, if you could take it at 4, I can take it at 8. I'm like, honey, I couldn't take it at 4. That was the whole point. We'll see where that goes. But yeah, she's expecting to see Gremlins. Maybe for Christmas, sweetie. Yeah, right, exactly.

Nic

That's awesome. Yeah, I've definitely watched this with my daughter a couple times, and yeah, at an early age, like a five-year-old could enjoy this movie. Like the visuals of it, like you don't have to understand every bit of dialogue, and it is the classic thing that works on like several points, several levels, right? As a kid who doesn't understand how funny like hippopotamic landmass, right? That kind of stuff is. And as an adult who like enjoys the banter and like the the irony and all this stuff. So yeah, it's been fun.

Steve

Oh yeah.

Nic

Yeah, so that's my history with The Princess Bride.

Steve

All right, man, let's jump into the facts on The Princess Bride. The film The Princess Bride was released on September 25th, 1987 with a PG rating and a running time of 98 minutes, directed by the late, great Rob Reiner and written by William Goldman from his own novel. He adapted his own novel for this. Real quick, just before we jump further into this, William Goldman is like one of my sort of heroes in screenwriting. I remember when I was in high school, I got a copy of his book. I think it was called like Tales from the Hollywood Screenwriter, or no, Adventures in the Screen Trade. And it was all about his journey from kind of like, you know, writing novels, whatever, into writing screenplays. And he ended up writing the screenplay for like the Arnold Schwarzenegger Running Man, or no, Marathon Man, sorry, not the Running Man. He wrote the Marathon Man.

Nic

Marathon Man is a running man. It's like a square rectangle set subset type thing, right?

Steve

And he wrote this, he wrote a handful of, you know, he's written a lot of great stuff. And it's just somebody that I've always kind of looked up to. You know, and just been a bit of a hero of mine from a writing standpoint. And I have the novel at home.

Nic

Yeah, we've got that too. It's a cool— our friend gave us this great looking, like beautiful copy of it. And like, yeah, we still got that one.

Steve

I had hoped that it was actually going to be The Princess Bride by S. Morgenstern and just the thing, but like the novel, right, is still framed like the movie, you know, kind of thing. Anyway, okay, the film stars Cary Elwes, Robin Wright, Mandy Patinkin, and Andre the Giant. With a 93% Rotten Tomatoes score, this was obviously critically well received. It's got an 8.0 on IMDb, one of the few movies—. Elite. Yeah, covering that 8 level, that's huge. And 2 thumbs up, no surprise, from the homies Siskel and Ebert. Quite a bit of awards action on this, but a lot of it around music. So at the 1988 Oscars, it only got one nomination, didn't win, but it got a nomination for Best Original Song, the sort of theme that plays, you know, near the beginning when the grandpa's telling the story about Buttercup and Westley. And then also at the end, over the end credits, it's called Storybook Love by Willie DeVille. It was nominated but did not win.

Nic

Willie DeVille, great name.

Steve

Yeah, and then at the 1988 Grammys, composer Mark Knopfler, who was in Dire Straits, I believe, the frontman of Dire Straits, was the composer here. So he was nominated for, did not win, Best Album That Was an Original Score for Film or Television, but it did get nominated. In '88, at the WGA Awards, Goldman was nominated, did not win for Best Adapted Screenplay. The film was added to the National Film Registry in 2016. And actually, back in '88, one of the kind of areas where it did actually win some awards was at our— one of our favorites, the Saturn Awards, the sort of, okay, fantasy, sci-fi, horror, etc. It won Best Fantasy Film and also Best Costumes. And then Robin Wright was nominated but did not win for Best Actress, and Goldman was nominated but did not win for Best Writing. So lots of awards activity. At the box office though, not really a big hit. Yeah. On a $16 million budget, which in 1987 is like pretty substantial, but you can see the sets they had to build all this, like, you know, so much going on in this movie. It pulled in $30.9 million, which is just under twice what it cost, which, you know, we call a disappointment. Not a flop outright, but definitely a disappointment, because movies tend to have to make back double their money just to get, you know, because the theaters take half of the ticket sales. So if you're not getting that, then even, you know, the production company's not getting even what they put into it.

Nic

So yeah. I guess, like, how do you promote this movie at that time? Like, who's the draw? Like, you show Andre the Giant in the trailer. Like, Cary Elwes is not famous yet. Robin Wright's appearing for the first time. You could say from the director of Spinal Tap, you know. But that, that's like not what you're going for with this movie. So it would have been a really hard movie to like figure out how to get in front of people.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

So that does make sense to me. And then the, the renaissance that it's had since then totally makes sense.

Steve

Home video and, and, you know, obviously being on, on like cable and stuff when we were kids, and the fact that it required very little editing to get to television. It's a true solid PG, even the like sort of blood and violence of it. When you look at other PG films of the '80s, it's so mild.

Nic

Compared to a Star Wars or something like that.

Steve

Yeah, exactly. Just anything like that. So, so even though we got a couple of good sword fights and a few injuries, like nothing wild, right? It really is quite safe. And so, yeah. So yeah, this movie really survived on its like longevity. And like I said, it has— I mean, there's really kind of no denying whether you like it or not. This movie is clearly a touchpoint generationally. Yeah, I think for kind of the youngest part of Gen X to the older parts of the millennials, like, like we're all just kind of way into this movie. In one way or another, it's very solid. So, okay.

Nic

Yeah, how are we starting off here, Steve?

Steve

So we start off with a little video game baseball.

Nic

Yes, and it looks like Atari, maybe. I mean, it's kind of a joystick.

Steve

He had a joystick, but it looked like a little too fancy for old Atari. But being that this was '87, maybe like an Atari ST. 2600? No, the 2600 didn't have graphics that good. So I had a 2600, but it could have been an Atari ST, which played a little more like a computer that you attached to your television. I didn't recognize this game. It wasn't the any— I had the any aspect. This wasn't RBI. This wasn't Bases Loaded. This wasn't Baseball Stars. Like, I'm not sure which one it was exactly. But yeah, little Fred Savage is playing.

Nic

First Fred Savage appearance.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

Hello, Fred Savage.

Steve

There you go. He's playing video game baseball. His mom comes in and he's like, oh, you know, how you feeling? No, I'm still sick and everything. And I wanted to comment real quick. I never— I've never thought of this movie as a Christmas movie. But if you see, there's a few places on the wall where it's like he made like a Santa Claus thing, like probably in school and brought it home with like the little cotton balls for a beard, you know? And then—.

Nic

He's got the snowman like behind his bed.

Steve

Exactly. And then like out the window, you can see the neighbor across the street has Christmas lights on their house.

Nic

Okay.

Steve

So it's clearly Christmas time. Wherever they are. It doesn't tell us where this place is, but like, so it's Christmas time and his grandfather's coming over to read him a story or like whatever he wants to give you a gift. Yeah, right. So Peter Falk, who plays Columbo, right? Yeah, famous for that.

Nic

That—.

Steve

No, just one more thing I was thinking, you know, Columbo kind of stuff. Comes in, gives the boy a gift. He unwraps it. It's a book. And boy, it's like—.

Nic

Classic look of disappointment.

Steve

So disappointed.

Nic

Books ranked just above socks, right? When you were a kid.

Steve

I mean, I'll be honest, I was a ready book nerd. Sure.

Nic

But like, we're talking about the average Steve, not Not a couple intellectual elites like us, but the average dumb shit that's listening to this. No, but like the average person out there as a kid, you're not psyched.

Steve

You're not psyched. Even though I loved books, I'd still rather have a video game when I was that age. So yeah, totally understood. But basically he says, this is the book I read. You know, my father read to me when I was sick. I read it to your father when he was sick. And now I'll read it to you. Yeah. And he's like, oh, you know what? What is this? Like, oh, well, you know, it's got fencing. He's like, does it have sports in it? And he's like, oh, fencing, which is like the one thing that's sort of a sport.

Nic

Right, right.

Steve

The rest of it is like other stuff. But still, he's not lying.

Nic

Grandpa is quick on his feet spinning this.

Steve

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Nic

And I will say, young Fred Savage rocking a Walter Payton jersey. We gotta call out the jerseys that we see.

Steve

He's got the— that must— they must be near Chicago, I just realized, because there's also a Fridge Perry poster.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

On the wall behind him. So this kid's a Bears fan for sure.

Nic

He knows all the words to Super Bowl Shuffle for sure.

Steve

Exactly.

Nic

Um, um, yeah, so the, the story begins, right? And we're talking about, you know, uh, there is a farm boy.

Steve

Yep.

Nic

Right, named Wesley.

Steve

That's right. And, uh, and he works for, uh, Buttercup, or I guess he works for Buttercup's parents. Yeah, he works at the farm. She lives at the farm. She orders him around, basically.

Nic

Right. And, you know, it's showing her like she orders him to do something. As you wish, as you wish, right? And he's explaining that, you know, when he was saying as you wish, he was really saying I love you. So you see them exchanging these glances, and it's very cute, but it moves very quickly, right? To just establish that, well, he couldn't marry her because he didn't have any money.

Steve

No money.

Nic

So he had to go on a journey.

Steve

Try to make his fortune.

Nic

He had to go figure out how to do that.

Steve

Right.

Nic

But he had to leave her behind.

Steve

Like, you know, there's no ASVAB. You can't go and just like take a test and be told where to go.

Nic

Yeah, yeah.

Steve

So he's gotta go figure it out. And so, you know, she says like, what if I never see you again? He goes, well, this is true love. Like, you can't— like, not even death can stop true love. It can only delay it, right? But unfortunately, we are told Buttercup receives word that, you know, the ship that Westley is on is attacked by the Dread Pirate Roberts. And the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes any prisoners. That is a known fact. And therefore she has every reason to believe Westley is now dead. And she just kind of, you know, idly says off into the distance, I will never love again.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Fast forward 5 years, she's engaged now to marry Prince Humperdinck, uh, who is—.

Nic

True dipshit. I mean, he's playing the Billy Zane role in this movie, which we've seen Billy Zane play in Titanic, and then Billy Zane not play in Tombstone, 'cause it was the sheriff in Tombstone who was the Billy Zane role there.

Steve

That's right.

Nic

But yeah, I love this guy's hateable face. They really nail it.

Steve

He really is so wonderfully spoofed in Shrek.

Nic

Yes. Oh my God.

Steve

Whatever the Lord Farquaad or whatever, like, is he— he dresses like Humperdinck. Like, they dress him in the same kind of red puffy-shouldered thing. So yeah, so Humperdinck's a complete asshole, but basically he has the right to pick a bride from any of the subjects throughout the kingdom. Uh, that we see that both his parents, the king and queen, are very old. I mean, Humperdinck himself— this is always the weird thing with like movies from the '80s— everybody to me looks older than they're supposed to be.

Nic

Because they have haircuts that we only ever saw on like our parents, so we just transfer that to being like an older person.

Steve

I'm sure this man— they're supposed— I mean, I don't— we never hear an age, but I would guess they're trying to say the dude's like 25 or something, and Buttercup's like in her early 20s or whatever. You know, she and Wesley fell in love as teenagers, I would guess, right? Yeah. So it's just 5 years later, but this dude's got a perm like he, you know, just works the front desk at the local orthodontist. Like, it looks really—.

Nic

Yeah, yeah, he's definitely got a little soul glow in his medicine cabinet. Uh, but it is funny the way that they cast things generally, it is like a grandparent and, and a grandchild. Like, that's how they look visually.

Steve

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. It's very strange.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Because yeah, the parents, the, the king and queen, are old as hell. Like, the king looks like he's 100. He's got this wiry beard.

Nic

They really did, uh, they really made him. And this movie, like, from the beginning, the entire time, the scenery is just unbelievable. So just as something that you have on, it's great to watch. Like, sometimes people don't like putting on certain movies for their kids because it's like flashing lights or annoying music or whatever. This is a 100% non-annoying movie that your kids can enjoy.

Steve

It's clean and it's— and it's— yeah, you're right, like everything is beautiful. It's all, you know, some of it— so much of it is out in nature. And even the places where they clearly had to build a set, there's a handful of set pieces that were clearly not on location, wherever, they look gorgeous and outdoors and natural and kind of— they did a really wonderful job with it. Um, so basically we hear, you know, one of the few things that Buttercup actually brings her joy at all because, you know, she has this hole in her heart where Westley was, is riding her horse. Like, she has a horse, she goes riding. So this one day she goes out riding and she is stopped by 3 people. These people are Vizzini, played by Wallace Shawn, Inigo, played by Mandy Patinkin, and Fezzik, played by Andre the Giant. And Vizzini tells her, we are but 3 lost circus performers. Is there a town nearby? And she goes, no, there's nothing for miles. Then there will be no one to hear you scream. You know, so they're kidnapping the princess.

Nic

And he, Wallace Shawn, I mean, just unbelievable. And what a, what a, like, career and life that guy's had, because he could have spent his life making a ton of money just being typecast as like some wisecracking like shithead in like big budget movies. But I feel he's like a playwright. He has like a super interesting, uh, life and everything.

Steve

He's a writer, a playwright, a stage actor, you know. He got into— I think he even got into directing, you know, whatever. So yeah, I mean, Wallace Shawn has had some amazing— and, and an essayist as well. I think he's got like books of just prose essays. Like, really, the guy is a dynamo as far as like the different things that he's done.

Nic

Uh, unbelievable in this. I mean, it makes— it takes this role to like such another level between like the lisp and the, the vocabulary and the sneeringness of his voice. It is just really, really great, right? And during this time, like, him and the other 2 are kind of like bickering back and forth, right? And calling each other names.

Steve

It's, it's— yeah, what is it? The best one is, uh, uh, uh, Vizzini refers to Fezzik, Andre the Giant, as a hippopotamic landmass. Now, I've never Heard hippopotamus turned into an adjective. Yeah, but that does sound like what it would be. Hippopotamic.

Nic

Fantastic. Yeah, really good. Um, you remember, uh, in high school we had a teacher, Mr. Hoover?

Steve

Yes.

Nic

Okay, Mr. Hoover, history teacher, like one of the all-time fun teachers. And one of the things, uh, that he was obsessed with was Andre the Giant. Okay, so, and Andre the Giant had died a couple years before that, and anytime somebody in the class— he would talk about Andre the Giant, someone who said Andre the Giant's dead. And he would say, yeah, I know he's no longer popular. And then we'd just like go on on it. So shout out Mr. Hoover. I love that bit. That was a good one.

Steve

Did he ever do like an Andre the Giant impression or anything? Like talk like Andre the Giant?

Nic

I think he was more just Mr. Hoover.

Steve

I was in Strobel's AP class junior year, so I never had Hoover.

Nic

He did the best. He had this little like Casio keyboard and he would just like rip these like, uh, little tunes out and then he would record himself and then play it backwards. And listen to that and then try to say the backwards thing and see if you could play it backwards and have it sound forwards.

Steve

I love it.

Nic

All-time, all-time life bit guy, Mr. Hoover. Um, so yeah, so they've, they've kidnapped, uh, Buttercup, right? And they're on the boat and they're, they're heading off.

Steve

They're heading off, and before they can fully head off though, Inigo and Fezzik have to rhyme with each other for a little bit, which is really, really wonderful. And ends with, you know, Vizzini telling them, stop it now, I mean it! And Andre just goes, Anybody want a peanut? And I just like— I will say anybody want a peanut in that voice really good for any, any time it comes close to being reasonable. Yeah.

Nic

Or appropriate.

Steve

Seriously, anytime I can.

Nic

Even to the peanut-free kids here at your son's school. Yeah, it's really good, good banter between these. I like that it establishes the relationship. And I guess the purpose is Vizzini saying that they're trying to like— they're being paid to do this because to start a war.

Steve

Start a war. Exactly. They've been hired to start a war. It's a very prestigious line of work with a long and storied history or whatever he says. And so they have Rip off like a piece of— so the country they're in is called Florin. These are all made up, obviously. Although, funny enough, I do want to mention this: they made up the names of the countries Florin and Guilder, who are the sworn enemies, and where the war is supposed to start. Those are currencies. Oh yeah, they are. You're right. Oh wow. But I was thinking that while those countries were made up, we are also clearly within the real world because there are references to Greenland and Spain and a handful of other countries that actually exist.

Nic

Yeah, yeah.

Steve

Which I think is interesting. So Oh, and Sicily, 'cause he calls himself a Sicilian.

Nic

That's right.

Steve

So yeah, so there's like real places, but then also these fake ones that are somewhere in Europe, right? And basically, yeah, Vizzini says like, we've been hired to start a war. They tear off a piece of fabric from the, you know, an army soldier of Guilder and, you know, whatever, put it on the horse and send the horse back. And the horse, I guess, knows, it's like a homing pigeon, it'll go back to the castle, right?

Nic

Classic false flag.

Steve

Exactly, false flag attack, basically. So they go out into the boat and they're heading off to, you know, wherever they're going. And Vizzini's basically saying like, we're gonna kill this guy, This girl so that when she's found on the Gilder frontier, like his suspicions, the prince's suspicions will be confirmed and it'll start the war.

Nic

And he's like talking just about how genius he is and how perfect the plan is and how great you know there's no right. And he keeps saying it's inconceivable, right? And Inigo is sitting on the back of the boat and he's like, you know, would anybody be following us? It's inconceivable somebody would be following. And he keeps bringing it up.

Steve

I just look back and there is someone there.

Nic

And I like where he says. I wonder if he's using the same wind we're using.

Steve

And he says, yeah, right. Vizzini constantly keeps saying inconceivable, inconceivable, right? So the morning— oh, oh no, we can't skip over. They're in, uh, eel-infested waters, right? And this is great. They talk about the shrieking eels. And so Buttercup jumps out of the boat. She's like, I don't know where she's gonna swim. We can't see land anywhere. They really do seem to be in the middle of nowhere, right? Whether this is a sea, a lake, or an ocean, whatever it is, it's big and they're in the middle of it. And, but she jumps out to try to get away and Vizzini's like, you know, So if you come back now, like, we'll pull you back in. I promise no harm will come to you, which I can't— there's no reason to believe him. But, you know, I doubt you'll get the same offer from the Eels. No.

Nic

And so this Vizzini impression has really taken off, folks. I wish this was a video podcast. My man is killing it right now. Sorry, Steve.

Steve

I've been watching this movie for decades. So, but anyway, so I love it because this is a point where we cut back to the sort of the conceit of the storytelling. Yeah. Because the eel starts like charging at Buttercup, and then the movie sort of cuts back to Grandpa and Fred Savage, right, talking. It's like, you know, he goes like, I want you to know she does not get eaten by the eels at this time. And he's like, what? You seem worried, so I just want you to know, like, yeah, she's okay. No, no, Grandpa, I'm all right, just keep going. And he starts— and I love this little moment where he starts reading and it's repeating. So, oh, she jumps in the water, the eels are there. And he goes, no, Grandpa, you, you got this part already, like, skip ahead, you got it, you got it. He goes, oh, Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, what'd I do? I lost my place in the book. Like, it's such a Columbo moment for this character.

Nic

They really did just have him be Columbo. I love it, man.

Steve

Uh, but anyway, basically they get— I guess the boat gets close enough that Fezzik is able to just punch an eel out cold and grab Buttercup and bring her back into the boat.

Nic

Uh, those eels are good, like, creepy fake monsters. They're really good.

Steve

So many of the, like, practical— because it's all practical effects in this, there's nothing that's CGI. This is all before all that. So all of it is like vinyl suits and mechanical things and puppets and all that stuff, and it all looks like good. It all holds up. Yeah. Uh, we'll get to some of the stuff later.

Nic

Some of the puppets. Yeah, I'm thinking about one specifically.

Steve

Yeah. But you know, so there's— so basically they're able to pull Buttercup back in, and you know, Vizzini's like, I bet you'll think you're brave. And you know, she's like, only compared to some. You know, she's got to dig in her dig-in. So she's trying to stay cool, you know, and, and, and strong and everything. Uh, kind of cut to morning. We can see that it's like sunrise coming And that boat that Inigo was pointing out has definitely gotten closer.

Nic

Yeah, a ton of distance, right? Um, and they, uh, they, they arrive now at the Cliffs of Insanity.

Steve

Exactly.

Nic

And, uh, there's this big rope that they climb up, and the way that they do it is Fezzik just throws everybody on his back. So he's carrying 3 people and making good-ass time. I mean, I'm thinking about climbing the rope in gym class. All I could do is hang there till I got a boner, and then I had to get off there. Like, I never got anywhere on that thing.

Steve

I, I didn't have enough blood. Blood circulating anywhere but my arms to even have that happen at that point. It was a nightmare.

Nic

Um, so, uh, so there's this great scene of, you know, they're climbing up and now they can see the figure behind them is this guy who's in this very Zorro-like, you know, man in black, black mask, black cape, or black, uh, clothing, whatever.

Steve

He's got like a bandana and a mask on, so he's completely covered except for like his mouth, basically.

Nic

Yeah. Uh, and he's, he's gaining on him.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

But they're able to make it to the top before he does, right?

Steve

And Vizzini's able— he cuts the rope from their end, so the rope falls, but Man in Black has been able to hold on to the cliffs or whatever. And so Vizzini says, like, you know, wait till he reaches the top and then kill him, you know. And so, and then they— but they go off with Fezzik and Buttercup, and Vizzini goes the other way. So now Inigo's like pacing, you know, and he's like, yeah, you know what I love it? He says like, he's like, I will have to fight him left-handed. And he goes, you know what a hurry we're in? And it's like, it's the only way I can be satisfied. Right hand would go too quick, you know. And so he's like practicing or whatever, and he finally is kind of like— I'm not gonna do the voice the whole time, don't worry. But he's—.

Nic

No, I was just fantasizing. My all-time dream for this podcast is for us to get a copyright strike strike of you doing an impression.

Steve

That sounded so real.

Nic

All-time dream. We get sued by Wallace Shawn because you used my audio without my permission. It's weird, he didn't ad for our podcast, funnily enough.

Steve

Next week on 2 Dads 1 Movie, The Princess Bride. It's inconceivable that you won't enjoy this episode. Okay, all right, so, so basically Inigo's getting impatient and he calls down to him and he says like, could you hurry up? And the man in black is like, uh, this is not as easy as it looks. Like, like, I'm doing my best here, you know? Um, and he's like, well, I could throw you the rope, but I don't think you could trust me since I'm just waiting to kill you. He goes, yeah, that, that puts a damper on things, sorry. But then Inigo looks down—.

Nic

Their dynamic is— It's so good. So good, my God.

Steve

It's just, they're so, uh, equals in honor.

Nic

Yes.

Steve

Or something like that, you know? So he looks at him and he says, you know, I swear on the name of my father, Diego Montoya, you will reach the top alive. You know, and he's like, throw me the rope. Like, I'm good. That was enough. I'll get up there. And so, you know, he gets up, he even lets him kind of chill for a bit. They talk for a little bit and we get Inigo's backstory. He basically tells, you know, the man in black, as we're referring to at this point, about his father, who's a swordsmaker, who had a 6-fingered man come and request a sword. And, you know, that's the sword he has. It's like, this is the father. And, you know, it's gorgeous. It's beautiful. Like everything that's a fence— not a fencing foil, it's like a thin saber or something, whatever. Yeah, but it's gorgeous. And the Man in Black says, I've never seen its equal, it's amazing.

Nic

And he like even hands it to the guy he's about to, you know, fight to the death, like, here, take a look at this thing.

Steve

Because to do anything with it at that point would be dishonorable. Exactly.

Nic

Um, yeah, so, and the 6-fingered man refused to pay his father what he owed for the sword. And, uh, you know, when his father protested, tried to get paid for it, he killed him. Right? So this is the guy that Inigo Montoya is on the search for his entire life. The purpose of basically his existence is finding the Six-Fingered Man.

Steve

Yeah, he left him with a couple of scars on his cheeks.

Nic

Extra added digit, this doesn't fit, missing or art— if we had a hashtag that was wrong number of extremities—.

Steve

That could work. Then that could work. That could work, but no.

Nic

Not that there's anything wrong to our six-fingered community, our six-fingered listeners out there, you know, shit happens.

Steve

I also wouldn't want to denigrate the Six-Fingered Man by including it because of artificial, you know, as part of that. That's not artificial, he was born that way. No. So, um, so he says, yeah, he's been studying fencing for 20 years, hunting this man down. He can't find him, like, whatever, you know, because he asks, you know, the man, like, do you happen to have 6 fingers on your right hand? No, I don't, you know. And, um, and so he's like, yeah, man, this is all I've been doing is studying. He's like, well, you must be really good. He's like, yeah, I'm all right. So then we get like this wonderful, like, 3, 3 and a half minute long duel.

Nic

It's excellent. I mean, it's so entertaining. And this again is just like no effects. This is no camera tricks. This is actors having fucking chops. This is guys who study theatrical sword fighting for years and years before, you know, did stage plays and all this shit with wooden swords forever. Like, it looked awesome. Yeah, it was great.

Steve

And we don't always use wooden swords. Like, I was actually in a production in high school where we had real steel broadswords for a Scottish play. It didn't— we didn't end up actually performing on stage. We did rehearsals for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks, and a few people were not careful enough with their swords that the director, Mr. Kornfield, was like, we can't put this on, we're gonna have to cancel the performances, and because people are not being safe enough. And it's like, it's the Scottish play. There's a lot of fighting and killing in that play.

Nic

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve

And so, you know, there's that. And I played a character that died early. Banquo dies early. And there was a point where, like, I think I was dead on stage and somebody walked past me with their sword, but the point was just, they were just pointing it down, like walking with it. And it got—.

Nic

Just like scraped you.

Steve

Felt like inches from, did not touch me, but felt very close. And I think I yelped and it was like, well, the dead body is now yelping. That's not, we need to figure out what's going on here. And that was when I, yeah, that got real close, you know? So we didn't end up doing it, but I did do a lot of swordplay rehearsal choreography, which was fun.

Nic

Remember when swords in school were our biggest problem, folks? That's why we love the '80s and '90s.

Steve

This was like '97, I think. Yeah. So anyway.

Nic

Awesome.

Steve

So great fight. And then there's a point where, you know, because we've been told Inigo is right-handed, we'll be fighting with his left hand. He then reveals that to the Man in Black. He says, you know, I gotta say, you're better than me, but I have a secret that you don't know. I'm not left-handed. So he switches to his right hand and it starts beating. He goes, you are amazing. You're wonderful. He's like, I should hope so. For 20 years. Or whatever. And he goes, but I know something you don't know. What's that? I am also not left-handed. And so then now they're both fighting with their dominant hands. It's just so good. There's a moment where like a really— I mean, obviously this is a set, you know, clearly, but a really conveniently placed vine, I guess it's supposed to be, or tree branch or something that he does a flip off of. He does the amazing work.

Nic

I wrote that down. There's a Gymkhana-style bar just randomly placed in the middle of the scene. I really But that punctuated it. Yeah, yeah. And it ends with the Man in Black knocks out Inigo Montoya. He, you know, is in the position where he can kill him, but instead— and throughout the movie we get a lot of like the lightest clunks on the head that result in like a knockout in one blow.

Steve

There's definitely a very not light one later we'll get to. But, uh, but yeah, no, basically he says, you know, kill me, make it quick, you know. And everybody's like, well, I'd sooner destroy a stained glass window, you know, like, no. And so he just knocks him out and runs off after Fezzik. So that, that kind of— so now the man in black has defeated Inigo, right? He defeated the swordsman, right, with his fencing, and it's time to move on.

Nic

Uh, okay, so now he, uh, he's running up after, uh, after Fezzik, and yeah, and Fezzik is tasked with, all right, you stay here, you're gonna take— you're gonna face this guy down, right? Right. And he's gonna just take a rock, like basically hide behind something and clock him over the head with a rock. And he's like, this is not very honorable, right?

Steve

I'm gonna do it.

Nic

Yeah, please, please.

Steve

Please. What do you want me to do? When he comes around the bend, you pick up a rock, you hide behind something, and you smack him in the head with the rock your way. My way? Not very sportsmanlike. And it's true, it's not. So when the Man in Black arrives, Vizzini has run off with Buttercup, Fezzik is hiding. The Man in Black comes to where these big, big boulders, these big stone boulders are sitting, you know, whatever. And a rock like flies past his head and, you know, explodes against the other rock. And, and, and Fezzik says, you know, I didn't have to miss. He's like, yeah, I, I believe you, like, you know, whatever. Whatever. And he's like, let's put our weapons down. No rocks, no swords, no tricks. Let's just fight. Yeah, hand to hand. Which, like, good Lord, how do you fight a man like that?

Nic

Because the few scenes in this movie where it shows Andre the Giant's hand compared to, like, any other reference is unbelievable.

Steve

It's really cool. There's a great little story from, like, kind of behind the scenes from the thing at several points during the filming, but I think especially the final nighttime scenes, uh, when they're rescuing Buttercup near the end. Because it was nighttime, they're filming Robin Wright kept complaining of getting cold. Andre would just walk over to her and like place his hand like gently on top of her head. And he did it for Cary Elwes too. And later in an interview, years later, Cary said it was like having like a hot water bottle on your head. Like, it was amazing. Made you feel better, got rid of a headache. It was like warmed your whole body up just having this enormous paw just resting on top of your head. Nice. And they were— and it was big enough to be a hat for any of them. Like, yeah, yeah, so enormous, you know. Uh, it sounds like Andre was like the coolest dude to be on a set with and just the nicest, Nicest guy to like be involved with.

Nic

I hear everyone— yeah, people have good experiences with him.

Steve

And he apparently loved being in this movie because his comment was, nobody's— nobody looks at me. Yeah, I'm not the center of attention in anything, right? Just here, which I enjoy. You know, it's like you got to think about a guy who spent his entire life being the center of attention in any place he's ever been, right? To be somewhere where he's allowed to be somewhat tertiary, right? It must have been—.

Nic

He's just part of the crew. It's not like, look at the freak.

Steve

One of the guys. Yeah, exactly.

Nic

As he's fighting the man in black, he's asking him about his mask. He's like, "Oh, why are you wearing the mask? Acid? Like, did his face get burned or whatever?" Man in black here, crazy. He says, "It's terribly comfortable. I predict everyone will be wearing them in the future." So he kind of predicted COVID. Did we predict COVID?

Steve

I think it might be well, except he said they were fashionable, which that's true. Certainly not why we wore them, but I'll give it to him.

Nic

Twenty four. Yeah. So this is a this is a great fight here. But of course, the quickness of the man in black is able to take out Fezzik and. You know, now he's defeated 2 of the 3. He's on his way to Buttercup.

Steve

Fezzik even says like, uh, it's hard because I've been fighting groups. You use different moves when you're fighting, you know, half a dozen men versus when you're fighting just one.

Nic

Do the Haggar from Final Fight, like the double-handed spin fist thing.

Steve

That move always got me in trouble. I tried using it way too much. But yeah, um, so yeah, so he knocks him out. He says, you know, I don't envy you the headache you'll have when you wake up. Sleep well, dream of large women, and runs off. Um, so yeah, so 2 out of 3 are down, Yep.

Nic

And, uh, or we're back at the prince now, right? Oh, that's right. So they're on the trail a little bit behind, and it's, uh, and it's Humperdinck, and it's a Christopher Guest character playing Count Rugan, right? He's kind of his—.

Steve

Who's the lieutenant?

Nic

Uh, his sidekick, right? And the prince is like doing CSI at the scene of the sword fight, which is really funny, you know, by like sniffing a footprint he can tell exactly like what they were doing at the time. And, uh, so this is a good scene here.

Steve

And, um, 2 men dueled, they're both masters. The loser went that way, while the winner ran— it's like, how would you know which one was the winner and the loser?

Nic

It's so dumb. So now, now the man in black, yeah, is with Vizzini here.

Steve

Yes. So, so he was— so Vizzini is sitting at like a little, little rock, whatever, like a table, and he's got like wine and like cheese, I think, or something. Like a little, little, little cheese and meat plate, a little picnic going. And Buttercup's there with a blindfold. So she can't see and he's got a knife to her throat and is basically like, please move forward if you'd like to kill her, kind of thing. And they basically decide, and he says, I can't, you must be trained because you beat my swordsman, you beat my giant, whatever, here we are, but I can't fight you physically and you're not—.

Nic

You bested my Spaniard, he says.

Steve

You bested my Spaniard, that's a weird way to put it, but yes. But he's basically like, you can't compete with my brains and I can't compete with you physically. Go away, like, we're done, or whatever. And, and he's like, oh, you're that smart? He goes, have you heard of Plato? Socrates? Morons. So they decide on a battle of wits. And, and the man in black is like, okay, like, I've got this, you know, smell it but don't touch, you know. And he sniffs, and I smell nothing. You know, that nothing you smell is iocane powder.

Nic

Mm-hmm.

Steve

It's a poison. And I'll put it in one cup, pour the wine, I'll put it in one cup, you pick, we both drink, and we see who is right and who is dead. Uh, and Vizzini loves this idea. He's like, this is fantastic. Yeah. So the Man in Black takes the cups and kind of— we don't, we don't see what he's doing with it, but he's like doing something. And he comes back and he's got the 2 cups and he puts them down. He's like, okay, here we go. Battle of wits has begun. Like, you pick, we drink, let's see what happens, right? And Vizzini is like stalling and like talking about how like, you know, like, well, clearly, you know, you, you've learned that man is mortal and you would leave the poison as far away from you as possible. So I cannot— clearly cannot I'm not choosing, the cop in front of me. And, you know, he keeps like all this back and forth, and the Man in Black even calls him out, dude, you're stalling.

Nic

Yeah, yeah.

Steve

Like, come on.

Nic

And this is a great— all this dialogue here, and Wallace Shawn is just killing it here. Maybe the intro, I don't know what we use for the intro.

Steve

This would be a decent choice. It's a candidate. I feel like it's this or To the Pain. I feel like those are the 2 best candidates, but we'll see what we end up choosing. But yeah, so there's this, and then he's like singing, and then he goes, Vizzini goes, oh my God, what is that? And the Man in Black turns, what? And Vizzini switches the cups. And when he comes back, he goes, oh, it must have been nothing. I thought I saw something. Oh well, okay, let's drink. And so they both drink, and the Man in Black goes, you chose wrong. And then Vizzini's like, you only thought I chose wrong, I switched their cups! He's so excited, right? He even says something about like— He's so proud of himself. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! And then he falls down dead. Fantastic stuff.

Nic

RIP to one of the best characters we've seen, Mike, during the entire run of this podcast.

Steve

Vizzini is a mascot waiting to happen. He should be the symbol of something. Yeah. There's just like, it's such a great villain character, even though he doesn't last all that long. I mean, Humperdinck's the real villain of this movie, but Vizzini is such a fun character. So basically, you know, it's now Man in Black. So Vizzini is dead, Fezzik and Inigo are dealt with. So now the Man in Black has Princess Buttercup, and, you know, she's like, oh, Humperdinck's gonna come for you. You know, like whatever.

Nic

And she— the Man in Black is a stranger to her.

Steve

Yeah, oh yeah, she has no idea. And he's not telling her who he is.

Nic

Curious, yeah.

Steve

But then they go for a while, and then we see— so they go for a bit, and then we see, we cut back to Humperdinck, and he's now gotten to where Fezzik and the Man in Black fought. And he says, someone has beaten a giant, you know, like the whole thing. And so he's like, you know, they're still on the trail. And as they're running, Buttercup and the Man in Black are running away, they stop and he says, catch your breath. And they're basically talking, and like, I'm not gonna get into all of it, but the breakdown is She's like, the man in black is like, uh, you know, you, you've never loved, or you, you know, you're not an honest person, like women lie, like all this stuff. And she goes, you have no idea what you're talking about. I've loved more than you could ever understand. He's like, bullshit. And that's when she goes, I know who you are. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts. And he's like, that's correct. Like, nice to meet your acquaintance, right? Yeah. And she's basically like, you killed my one true love. You know, you're a horrible person. I would never, you know, I, I will do anything I can to kill you, like blah, blah, all this stuff, right? And, you know, he's sort of like, well, what's such a big deal? And he tells this story of like, you know, a man who came to her and— or came to him when he captured them, was like, oh, like, you know, I've got this true love, you know, please don't kill me, like whatever. And he's like, you know, he said please, that was interesting. But basically they're having this conversation and then she is like, you know, you die, die, you know, you, you took from me everything I've ever loved, so now you need to die. And pushes him down a hill.

Nic

Crazy tall hill.

Steve

Huge, yeah, enormous hill. He's tumbling in ways that would break your neck. Almost assuredly he's yelling, as you wish, which is all it takes for her to recognize, oh, my sweet Westley.

Nic

And then she just like tucks herself down the hill. She doesn't even take a couple cautious steps. She just fully like yoinks herself down.

Steve

Doesn't try to slide down on her butt or anything. Just doesn't try to do the, uh, like the barrel roll tumble. It's straight somersault. It's like, again, folks, protect your Listen to Wu-Tang Clan, protect your neck.

Nic

You know those big, uh, those big like beach ball things that are— you can get inside and they'll roll it down the hill? It looked like that, just, just like she didn't have the inflatable thing around her, which protects— it was crazy, dude. Um, yeah, so all-time fall, very funny.

Steve

Really crazy tumble down the hill.

Nic

Then when they get to the bottom of the hill, you know, he can pull his mask off and reveal who it is, and then they're kissing, right? And then we're— we snap back to the story, to Kevin Arnold, to, uh, Kevin Arnold.

Steve

You're not wrong, you're not wrong. Wrong, dude. That's—.

Nic

It looks good. Uh, to Fred Savage and, uh, and Columbo there. Yeah, yeah, reading the book.

Steve

And Kevin Arnold and Columbo. That's who's the—.

Nic

Kevin Arnold and Columbo. Um, and he's like, ew, like, you know, he doesn't like the kissing. So Grandpa's got to be quick on his feet. Yeah, he's like, I want to hear about the fire swamp.

Steve

Yeah, because he said like— because basically like in the story Wesley says like, oh, we're almost to the fire swamp, we'll be safe there. And she's kind of like, safe from the That doesn't sound right to me, but okay. And she's like, are you sure? And he goes, oh, she said, I think she said something like, will we even survive the firestorm? And he goes, you're only saying that because no one ever has. Like, come on. It's not a big deal. And it's like, he's very confident. He's like, we'll figure it out. But Humperdinck has lost track of them. It's a very kind of funny moment where it's like after they tumble down the hill, we see him later at the top of ostensibly the same hill, I guess. He goes, they've disappeared.

Nic

Like, what? And they're like in the middle of this like wide open ravine.

Steve

Like if you just look down in there, they're the only thing The greatest hunter who they say can track a falcon on a cloudy day can't look down into the ravine to see the people he's chasing.

Nic

Against like light-colored rock.

Steve

All black. And this dude, it's all against gray and green. Like, he would have stood out. And she's in like bright red, like robes, you know. Anyway, but so they head into the fire swamp.

Nic

Yes. And the, the fire swamp is funny. So it's like, it doesn't look like, uh, like lava or magma, but what it has is these random like geysers of fire that shoot up out of the ground.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

Um, and at one point, uh, Buttercup almost house gets hit by one. And as they go through it, the way that Wesley is just so casually avoiding it— it's like that Richard Pryor bit where he's doing an impression of like a Black guy like walking down the street and he sees a snake and he doesn't react big, he just goes, snake, and just like steps aside super quick. He was doing snake to all these, uh, these fire geysers in here.

Steve

Flame spurts or something, I can't remember what they call them. They have some term for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nic

And what he's saying, uh, in the story, because she's And she's like, okay, well, what about the Dread Pirate Roberts story?

Steve

I thought you were dead.

Nic

Yeah, you were supposed to be dead. And he's like, well, we actually became friends and blah, blah, blah.

Steve

Yeah, 'cause basically the story that kind of he told her at the beginning before revealing who he was about like there being a kid who said, please don't kill me, true love, whatever. He's like, that's all true. That's what I told him. And he went, well, I've never had a valet before. I'll try it. I'll probably kill you in the morning. And he said for 5 years, he just every night would say, you know, good night, Westley. Nice job today. I'll probably kill you in the morning. You know, and it's like, and then he didn't. And then finally he admitted to Westley, Dread Pirate Roberts did, that he's not the original Dread Pirate Roberts. Roberts, that it's a title, that it gets handed down after you make enough money to kind of retire on. Like, there's no point in keeping doing it, so you hand it to somebody else. And he basically says, like, well, I'll hand it to you. So they, you know, went somewhere, got a whole new crew. The old Dread Pirate Roberts stayed on as the first mate and kept calling Wesley Roberts. So by the time the crew believed, it was like, oh, that's done. He is Dread Pirate Roberts now. And then he said, but now that I'm back and I found you and whatever, like, I'll hand it to somebody else. I'm not— I don't want to do it anymore. I'll live with you. Yeah. And so it was kind of a cool little story. They then are walking through, and, you know, Buttercup takes one step and just zips down through, you know, quicksand, but like—.

Nic

The quickest sand I've ever seen, yeah.

Steve

And so Westley has to— he like finds a vine and like wraps himself around his waist, jumps in after her, and is able to climb them both out. We learn that's called lightning sand. And there's a great little moment here where as they are— after he's dived down in and they both have yet to surface, we see a couple of these enormous like rodents kind of walking around. That are, you know, they look like—.

Nic

Looking like Jimothy.

Steve

Looking a lot like Jimothy, except 5 times bigger. Like really huge Jimothys. And, you know, but they kind of just sniff around and they walk off. Wesley pulls them back out, and as they continue kind of walking after they catch their breath, you know, he says to her, he's like, look, we've got this made. Like, you know, there's 3 well-known dangers of the fire swamp. There's a sound before the flame spurts, so we can avoid that. We now know what the lightning sand looks like, thank you for that. You know, because of your astute ability to find it, you know, we know what that looks like, we can avoid that. And then she goes, what about the ROUSs? And he goes, the rodents of unusual size? I don't think they exist. At which point he is jumped on by a rodent of unusual size and has to fight.

Nic

Uh, this is one of the awesome combination puppet person in a suit scenes, you know, with this rodent attacking him and like rolling around this whole fight that we have. It is like a person in the, in the suit, and there aren't even that many like close-ups where it's like, you know, clearly just a puppet. Like, yep, this looks awesome.

Steve

This looks great. I don't know that it ever was a puppet. I think the whole thing was done with a puppeteered mouth in the suit, I think. Okay, but I'm not positive. But there's a funny story though about the day they filmed this sequence. The guy who's in this— because there were 2, you know, little person actors used to do the suits for this, because there were at one point there's 2 of them on screen. Okay, but most of the time it's just one, and there's only one that actually attacks Wesley. So the actor who was in that suit was late that day to set. And Rob Reiner's like, what the fuck? Where is this guy? We don't exactly have other people we can just put in the suit. Like, this is— you know what I mean? Like, we don't have a replacement for this guy.

Nic

It's a specific size.

Steve

Very specific, you know?

Nic

We need an actor of specific size.

Steve

And there's 2 stories as to why.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

So there's the story I found on IMDb that sounds more like the official story, which is basically that he got pulled over for, like, speeding, and the officer did not believe his story that he is an actor, that he is on his way to set to play a rat for the day, and really he needs to go. And, like, all this stuff, and, like, just took forever to get him, like, through this traffic stop or something. Apparently the suit weighed 50 pounds, by the way. It was all vinyl and stuff.

Nic

Shoot.

Steve

Enormous. The other story is a story Rob Reiner once told in an interview that he claimed at one time— I don't have like all the details here, but basically something along the lines of his story is that the actor was like arrested for burning down a kennel he owned in some kind of like potentially divorce or insurance-related brouhaha, and that Reiner and somebody else from the production had to go bail him out to get him to shoot that day.

Nic

I—.

Steve

Because that's not what happened, ended up on IMDb because there is an alternative story that is less fantastical. I kind of feel like it's probably more the speeding ticket thing. That is a story Rob Reiner told at one time.

Nic

But also, you wouldn't want the public story about your children's movie to be like, oh yeah, you see that guy playing the little puppet? Yeah, he burned a bunch of dogs alive 'cause he was mad at his bitch wife.

Steve

I don't think there was any dogs in the kennel. I do think it was like just the property, but that's the story that got told there. So very interesting stuff.

Nic

Nice. So Wesley, he defeats this rodent of unusual size, right?

Steve

Yeah, he like rolls him over to a flame spurt. Catches the rat on fire and then he's able to stab him, but he's gotten really gnawed up. Yeah, his shoulder's all bloody and like, so he definitely took some hits here.

Nic

Yeah, this is his toughest fight so far.

Steve

Yeah.

Nic

Um, so the prince, uh, as they're like exiting the, uh, the fire swamp, right, the prince and his crew are kind of like right there.

Steve

Yep.

Nic

And, uh, and what Westley says to them, there's like what, 8 of them or whatever? And he's like, surrender now. And you know, he's offering them to surrender.

Steve

Oh, you'll surrender to me? That's very nice of you. Yes, I think that's the right thing to do. And he's like, But yeah, so basically Buttercup looks around and sees that there are men with crossbows trained on Westley as well. Westley doesn't seem to be seeing them because he's looking straight at Humperdinck and Rugen. And so she says, if I go with you, if I give up and go with you, will you leave this man alive and get him back to his ship? Yeah. Like, do not kill him. And she tells him, look, I thought you were dead once and it almost killed me. So let's just get through this, get you home and whatever. Like, it'll be fine. You know, like, I couldn't live knowing you died and I couldn't help you. Would have stopped it, right? It's like, fair, I get it. So Humperdinck grabs Buttercup onto his horse and rides off, but he whispers to Rugen, you know, we can hear, but apparently Westley and Buttercup can't. It's like, you know, when we leave here, you know, like, take him to the pit of despair or whatever, you know, to get tortured, right, kind of thing. And it's like, and he says, as you wish, or whatever. Rugen says something like, yeah, you know, it mocks what was just said. And this is a funny thing, you mentioned kind of like the knockout sort of punches with whatever Interesting story here. So Christopher Guest and Cary Elwes are filming the scene where Count Rugen has to knock Westley out with his sword, like the pommel of his sword, right? And apparently the first several, several takes, they weren't— obviously he's not really hitting him, it's a full— it's a metal sword, like whatever. But it just wasn't like— nobody was happy. Cary Elwes wasn't happy with it, Guest wasn't happy, Reiner wasn't happy. Nobody was happy the way it was coming out. It just didn't look right. So Elwes goes, all right, look, just try one time, just go ahead and Just go ahead and do it. I'll take one hit. Just go ahead and do it. And Christopher Guest is like, are you sure? And Rob Reiner is like, let me make sure we can clear this and we got the insurance. But yeah, okay, fine, go ahead, kind of thing. And Elvis is like, I'll do it. Let's just do one. And so Christopher Guest gave him one good walloping right on the head with the sword thing.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Knocked him out cold. He woke— Elvis woke up in the hospital in costume. And this is a day after, or a few days after, When he was filming the scene with Andre the Giant, Andre the Giant needed an ATV to get around set. He couldn't all these like hilly set, all these hilly locations.

Nic

Oh yeah, yeah.

Steve

He needed an ATV to help him around, and he was letting Keller Lewis play in the ATV, and is like something about like the gas pedal and something else. Like Lewis's foot got stuck and his toe broke, and and he hid it from Reiner for a while until they had the doctor. The scene in the firestorm, you can see Lewis limping a bit, and this is a broken toe. So he's gone to the doctor for the broken. A few days later, they're filming this scene with Guest and Elvis, and Guest hits Elvis and knocks him out cold. So, Elvis wakes up in the hospital, and the doctor is like, well, well, well, if it isn't Zorro again, 'cause of the way he's dressed. Second time he had to go to the hospital in costume in like a week. It's the cut that made the movie. Oh, that's crazy. The cut that made the movie is Elvis actually getting knocked unconscious by Christopher Guest.

Nic

Jeez.

Steve

Yeah. So, one of them was not a light tap. It really did work. Yeah. Wow.

Nic

That's like— it's like a misdemeanor version of the Alec Baldwin thing, like to actually knock someone out. Somebody out. Holy moly. But, uh, um, so, uh, so now Wesley kind of, uh, awakens and he's like chained to this table. He's in the pit of despair, um, with like the most in need of Carmex person I've ever seen in my life, right? Oh, Jesus Christ. Good, like, good to get that reaction out of us. Oh yeah, no, no. Albino, uh, this albino guy that's just, just the torturer.

Steve

I believe the character is called just the Albino. I think Yeah, but I love because he goes, you know, Westley's like, where am I? And he starts off like, the pit of despair. You're in the pit of despair. Like he just had a frog in his throat. That's like one of my favorite little gags. Very nice. But yeah, so, so basically he says, why are you trying to cure me? Then he's, oh, well, the Count and the Prince really want everybody to be fully healthy when they're tortured. So we're gonna, we're gonna cure you first.

Nic

So we get a scene now where it's like, oh, Oh yeah, Humperdinck's father dies.

Steve

Yes, the king has died. So Humperdinck is now king, basically.

Nic

And the wedding's about to happen, right? Because before, the last thing we heard is the wedding's like 10 days away or something, right? So, uh, so the wedding's about to happen and the queen is really like, you know, stressing out. It's like, fucking happening. I guess my true love didn't show up here.

Steve

Yeah, so Princess Buttercup is essentially now Queen Buttercup.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

And so she's like reintroduced to the populace. And so she walks out into this like square, you know, this crowd in this courtyard, and And there's this another kind of horrific-looking makeup person, but this ugly old crone, you know, yelling, boo, boo, like, you know, you have true love and you let him go, and all this stuff. And it turns out it was a nightmare. Right. It was just a dream. Because it's really funny, right? We cut back to Kevin Arnold and Columbo again, and he says, no, no, no, Grandpa, you got that wrong. She doesn't marry Humperdinck, she marries Wesley. And he goes, who's telling the story here? You want me to tell the story or you wanna tell the story? No, no, no, you're reading it wrong. Like, he's like really He like, he's like, what are you talking about? And so—.

Nic

I do love that with your kids, the experience of them being like too good for something. You're like, okay, whatever, I'll just proceed with it. And then you could tell that they're really interested in it. You're like, I got you, motherfucker.

Steve

This is like, I still read to my 8-year-old daughter, uh, every night before bed. Like my son, it's like a way to say goodnight. He reads himself, whatever. But like my daughter, I still read to every night. And sometimes she picks the book, sometimes I do. And every once in a while I'll pick a book that's like, I used to read it to her, you know, when she was like 3, right? Like a really old one, whatever. And she'll be kind of like, Well, all right. And then it's like, yeah, by the end of the book, she is like leaning over my shoulder to like look at the pictures more closely. And it's like way into it. And I'm like, yes, I told you. You still love Give a Mouse a Cookie. Don't fuck with me. Like, um, but yeah, so it was just a nightmare, you know? And it's just like, turns out, you know, it is 10 days away, like you said. And we hear Fred Savage's character's like, I see Grandpa. I told you. Like from like the voiceover. It's hilarious. Yeah.

Nic

Um, and the prince, uh, is, is talking to his like chief, uh, security guy or whatever. Right? And he's— he has a plan because he wants this war to start as well, right? So he wants to kill, uh, Buttercup and blame it on, uh, Gilder, right? Right.

Steve

So, so what happens is Buttercup comes to him and says, uh, if you make me marry you, I'm gonna kill myself, just know that. And he goes, well, wait a minute, like, what if I send my 4 fastest ships, one in each direction? You write 4 copies of a letter to, to, to Westley. I'll send my 4 fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always ransacking ships this time of year. So like, he'll come and he'll get them, basically one of them. And if he comes back for you, fine, go be happy, I'll let you go. But if not, whatever. Because he knows the dude's in the Pit of Despair, right? Right. He knows he's not out there. Um, and then that's when we see him and Rugen talking at one point, and he's like, you know, I have a wedding to plan, a fiancée to kill, and a war to start. Like, I'm so busy, I can't do this other stuff. And, you know, they kind of joke about it. And then, uh, basically this is when Rugen goes to to use the machine on Wesley.

Nic

Yes.

Steve

Okay, before we get— before we get to the whole like— Oh yeah, yeah. So he goes into the Pit of Despair and he tells Wesley about the machine and he's like, it's suction. And instead of sucking like water or air, whatever, it sucks— it sucks life out of you. You know, it's like, we've never done this before, so we're just gonna do one. Which is like, this is really the first— we know it's not the first time because I think he must have meant it's Wesley's first time on it because the albino said like, they really want you to be healthy when they do this kind of thing, you know. Um, and so they put it to 1 out of 50. And we see all these like machinery things, the water goes and all this stuff, and Wesley just starts screaming and he's like, ah, you know. And I love— he's— Rugan's basically like, I'm writing a book. So he goes like, like, so tell me how you feel, and remember, this is posterity, so please give me details, you know, whatever it is. Like, it's just very funny. But he's just— he just whimpers. Like, it really looks like it must hurt. He's got like suction cups on his head, his chest, his stomach. So it must just be—. I, I always thought—.

Nic

Turns you off from those like suction cup massage things.

Steve

That's— see, this thing, this movie, when people— when I found out cupping was a thing, I was like, people hook themselves up to the machine Like voluntarily? I thought this was like a bad thing. Like, what the fuck? So, so there's that. And this is when then Humperdinck— we cut away and Humperdinck calls his chief enforcer in. It's basically this like, you know, there, there's a rumor that Guilder has agents in the Thieves' Forest and they're going to like attack on the wedding night. So like clear the Thieves' Forest, add 60, you know, make it 60 men at the front gate. You know, you're in charge, blah blah blah. And he's like, yeah, okay, no problem.

Nic

So he's like planting the seeds for this, this, uh, this plan that he has.

Steve

Right, so he's gonna kill her. To start the war. And make it seem like he killed her. Blame it on Guilder. Exactly, 'cause the whole Vizzini thing fell through.

Nic

Like, he did—.

Steve

That didn't happen the way he wanted it to.

Nic

So, uh, and now we're, uh, we're back with, uh, Fezzik.

Steve

Well, we're back with Inigo, I think, at first. So he's in the Thieves' Forest in some bar, drunk.

Nic

Right.

Steve

Right, and then a guy shows up and is like, you gotta get outta here. And he's basically saying, like, you know, Vizzini said if we get broken up or we get split up, go back to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the job, so this is the beginning. So I'm gonna be here till Vizzini gets here. 'Cause he doesn't know Vizzini's dead.

Nic

Right.

Steve

Um, and then that's when, you know, the, the kind of like soldier guy is like, well, I'm gonna get the brute squad. And that's when Fezzik shows up and goes, Inigo, you're alive! So they're reunited, which is great.

Nic

Yeah, it's great to see them together. And Fezzik kind of like nursing a very drunk Inigo back to health with some delicious looking soup. I saw that, I was like, hunks of vegetables, fucking good.

Steve

Really? I like, I like a thicker broth with my stew, but it was It was nice.

Nic

It looked good for that era too.

Steve

That's true.

Nic

Most of the time they're eating gruel and slop.

Steve

If you're lucky, there's like a parsnip and something. This looked legit, like carrots and potatoes and stuff. It looked nice. And then he's doing the, uh, not boiling obviously, but like hot water, cold water, hot water, cold water to try to wake him up or whatever.

Nic

So, uh, and this was good. This could have been like a montage in a different type of movie of just Andre the Giant like snapping him back into shape.

Steve

They made it quick though.

Nic

So, uh, so Buttercup, uh, now is back and she discovers that— she probably suspected this anyway— that Humperdinck never sent those ships. Like like he had no intention to try to like follow through with good faith on like her getting in contact.

Steve

Yeah, because it's like, it's like the day of the wedding and, and, you know, he says, uh, something to her about like, oh my, I've heard most— are you not happy? And she's like, what reason do I have to be happy? He's like, well, I've heard— I hear brides generally are on their wedding day. And she goes, well, I'm not getting married tonight because Wesley's gonna come. And he says something like, uh, after the wedding, our, you know, we'll, we'll go here, we'll go to the docks or the Marine, whatever, and our, our— my entire armada will accompany us on our honeymoon. And she goes, well, all but— not every ship, all but the 4 you sent, right? Mm-hmm. Oh, right. Yes. Yeah, naturally, not those 4. Like, you know, and so that's— yeah, she basically calls him out like, dude, you're an asshole, but he's still gonna come for me. And she— and he's like, you're a fucking child, like, you don't know what you're talking about. And now he's so enraged that he goes to the Pit of Despair and runs up to the machine and is basically like— Wesley's still strapped to it, and he basically says like, you've loved so much, I bet this will hurt you more than anybody could ever be hurt. And he pushes the thing all the way up Yeah. And even Rugen is like, not to 50! Like, he's like, don't do that. And it's just like— and but then this screaming that he does now is so loud you can hear it at the castle. I mean, he's underground, right, is the whole idea. Yeah. But he can kind of—.

Nic

Rugen should have suggested that it goes up to 51.

Steve

That's right.

Nic

That's one joke they whiffed on in this, uh—.

Steve

Because Reiner and Guest together—.

Nic

Yeah, seriously.

Steve

They're both there for you. But anyway, uh, but yeah, so everybody— we see all these people reacting at the castle, in the thieves' forest, in the town.

Nic

Yeah, they can hear his scream is just like echoing through the entire land.

Steve

The entire world, basically. Yeah, so Inigo and Fezzik are both like— I think Inigo says something like, my heart made that scream when my father died. Like, that is the man in black. Like, let's go get him. But they don't know where he is exactly, right?

Nic

And Inigo and Fezzik— he's like using, uh, he's using his sword to guide him like a divining rod. Exactly right. So the sword is leading the way, and then it just ends up kind of getting plunked into the side of a tree in like a funny way. And he's like, huh, well, this is fucking stupid. And then the secret door opens up in this tree trunk.

Steve

The secret door that is really obvious from a distance. Like, when you look at the trees grow, the first scene it doesn't look—.

Nic

But then when it shows them from far away, oh my God, it's very funny.

Steve

It looks so like a door. But anyway, they do find it. They run down in there. They find the Man in Black, you know, who they don't know as Westley. They just know him as the Man in Black. But they find him and, you know, he's dead. Like, he's not breathing. And, and, and he goes like, Grab him. Look, we're gonna take him to Miracle Max, right? Maybe Miracle Max can help us.

Nic

And when we find out he's dead, we get we get a cut back to Columbo and and Kevin. Yes, saying he's dead, right? You know, the kid's like really concerned. He's like, "Hey, yeah, shut up, kid.

Steve

I'm not done yet." Well, and he says like, "Wait a minute. Who who kills Humperdinck?" He goes, "What? At the end, somebody's got to kill Humperdinck. Who kills Humperdinck? Humperdinck does not die at the end of this story. He he lives." So he What kind of story is this, Grandpa? Like, he's super pissed about it. Like, he's so angry. He's like, yeah, maybe we should stop reading. You got excited. Maybe you should go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, keep reading, keep reading, Grandpa. Please, please, please. So they go to Miracle Max's place, knocking on the door, and it's Billy Crystal plays Miracle Max, who's so much fun. And he basically first is just like, you know, leave me alone. No, like, the son's— or the king's rotten son fired me. Like, you know, I don't do miracles anymore, all this that. Stuff. And, uh, and he basically says like, uh, well, you know, hey, like, this is really important. Uh, you know, okay, fine, come in, whatever. He says— I can't remember exactly what he tells him outside the door because once they get inside, he says like, you know, this is, uh, it's a very noble cause, sir. Like, you know, his wife, he's got kids, they're, they're starving. And he goes, oh, aren't you a terrible liar? So he's like, okay, let's find out what your friend has to say. And he goes, what do you mean? He's dead. No, no, no, no, he's He's only mostly dead. Mostly dead is somewhat alive.

Nic

Yeah. Uh, and again, I mean, this is, this is Billy Crystal coming in like a soccer sub, like full energy, and he gives you like real good shit for like 5 minutes.

Steve

It, it was a lot more than that too. So I got a little story I've got. So Crystal apparently ad-libbed every single bit of this because he also ad-libbed an additional, by some accounts, 6 or 7 hours worth of stuff on set. It took forever to film this scene, partly because— so Rob Reiner had to leave because he was laughing too much. Mandy Patinkin— actually, the only injury Mandy Patinkin suffered on set for The Princess Bride was a bruised rib from trying to hold in his laughter so hard during this scene. He ended up bruising his own rib somehow. Wow. Cary Elwes, in a couple of the shots, is laughing as the corpse, and therefore they couldn't use those.

Nic

Nice.

Steve

Like, Crystal is just so on top of this shit, apparently, and like doing period-specific jokes. One of the ones that The movie, of course, is like, you know, like a nice MLT sandwich— mutton, lettuce, and tomato— where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomatoes are so perky. I love it. Like, you know, it's just like— but like, the idea of a mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich is hilarious.

Nic

Like, yeah.

Steve

And so, yeah, but apparently this was kind of a beast of a scene to film because Crystal is so funny. Um, but yeah.

Nic

And it's a great gag to have somebody who's like— who's speaking like, you know, a guy from that time just like thrown in this makeup and existing.

Steve

But like also with the thickest New York accent like ever. Yeah. Really fantastic. Yeah, so he says he gets his bellows and he basically is like, "If I blow, I'm gonna blow bellows into his lungs and he'll be able to tell us. You know, so hey buddy, what do you got to stick around for? What do you got worth living?" He presses on his chest and he goes, "True love." And and he goes like, "Dude, you heard him. You heard him. He said true love." He goes, "No, no, no. He said to blave, which means to bluff. So what? You probably were gambling." And then he like whatever. And that's when his wife, played by Carol King, runs. Out the back. Liar! Liar!

Nic

Yeah, and that was— that, that is such a brilliant escalation because like the Billy Crystal was already giving us enough energy, and then like Carole King, uh, coming in just takes it to the next level. And she is off the charts.

Steve

She's amazing as well. And, and, you know, he says like, be quiet, witch. She's like, I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. And after what I just heard, I don't know if I want to be that anymore. And so they're arguing until finally Inigo points out, this guy's in love with Humperdinck's bride. If you save him, you will make— he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.

Nic

Right.

Steve

That gets Miracle Max's attention. He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I help him and Humperdinck suffers? It was humiliations galore, you know? Okay, I'm on the job. You know, so he just does it, right? You know, and this pill they make for him, they call it a pill, but good God, if it doesn't look as big as like the largest prune in the world and with something solid inside.

Nic

For sure, yeah.

Steve

Not something you could swallow. It's like a walnut with a shell on it. It's really crazy how enormous it is.

Nic

And then they coat it in chocolate so that it'll go down, which makes it even larger.

Steve

Yeah, exactly. But, you know, I could see how that, I guess, make it go down easier. But they warn them, you got to wait at least 15 minutes for full potency. Don't give it to them right away. But, you know, they're on, they're on a schedule. So they get to the castle.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

And they're kind of like above the parapet somehow, whatever, looking down towards the castle courtyard. And, uh, they go ahead and give him the pill.

Nic

They give him the necromancy edible.

Steve

Yeah, right. It's like to wake you up from death. Uh, the world's best, uh, methamphetamine. And so, you know, he kind of wakes up, but initially can only move his head. And he's like, where am I? Who are you? What's going on? I'll fight you, and whatever. So they explain the whole thing to him. And basically like, you know, Buttercup's gonna get married to Humperdinck in about half an hour. There's 60 men at the front gate. We don't have a plan. We need your help. And he's like, well, what do we have? And Inigo says, we have my steel, we have Fezzik's brawn, and we have your brains. We're screwed. Like, I couldn't— if I had a month to plan, maybe. And he goes like, if only we had a wheelbarrow. And he goes, where'd that wheelbarrow that albino had? He's like, oh, I've got it over here. He goes, well, why didn't you list that among our assets? What I wouldn't give for a Holocaust cloak. And he goes, what about this one? And he's like, gotta use it. Oh, now we're good. Now with a wheelbarrow and a cloak, fuck, we're in business, boys. Like, you know.

Nic

And what was the thing about that cloak? It was like fireproof or something?

Steve

I guess, because they light it on fire and it doesn't hurt Fezzik. So yeah, I'm not really sure what exactly the point, but it looked like just a big thick coat that you could kind of like, you know, if you like— I don't know if you ever had friends. I had a lot of friends, of course, who liked playing with Bic lighters when I was younger. Uh, and I had a friend of mine, I had— was wearing like a, like a pea coat or a fob coat, some kind of wool thing, and he like lit the lint off the back and it like went up my back.

Nic

Oh shit.

Steve

Like sitting in like a coffee shop in Walnut Creek. Nice. Wild. And he put it out, puts it out real quick.

Nic

Shout out La Scala.

Steve

Yes, it was, it was La Scala. And, and, and sure enough, it was like, it went out quickly, but it goes up so fast and I didn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything. It was just, you know, it was a thick coat and it was just burning the outside of it momentarily. So I guess the idea being maybe if this thing is thick enough, it just won't— it doesn't have to burn for very long.

Nic

Right, right. We just need the special effects.

Steve

Exactly.

Nic

Yeah, and they manage a practical effect much like the people making this film have managed some wonderful ones. And they've got, uh, everybody kind of stacked up, or, uh, he's on the, the wheelbarrow, right? Andre Fezzik is on the wheelbarrow.

Steve

He's on it. And then behind them, Inigo is both pushing the wheelbarrow and kind of holding Westley up, sort of. It's a little weird, but they light him up and it's like, you know, he's basically pretending— he's saying that I'm the Dread Pirate Roberts, who nobody's seen.

Nic

Like, nobody— or nobody has lived to tell anybody else about.

Steve

Exactly. He takes no prisoners and takes no survivors or whatever. That kind of thing. And so he says, you know, Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your souls. I love that line. Meanwhile, the wedding has begun. And let me tell you something, I have officiated 3 weddings in my life. I was very honored to do so a few times. And I'd always thought that I wanted to mimic this officiant and never did. I never felt like the people I was marrying would vibe with it. You know what I mean?

Nic

Yeah, yeah.

Steve

But like the whole thing of like, marriage, marriage is what brings us together today, just very funny. Yeah, I wish I'd done it in somebody's wedding.

Nic

No, I've had that suggested to me before because I've done a bunch of weddings as well. And yeah, I've not dropped that one, but that has come up. It like— it's made a rough draft for sure.

Steve

I think I did the same thing with the same consideration with the marriage, the wedding vows at the end of Spaceballs. You know, today we gather together today for the act of holy moly. But anyway, so the wedding has begun, but now there's this commotion outside with with Fezzik, and all the guys are freaking out, the guards, they all start running away. And this is when, you know, Humperdinck kind of signals to Rugen like, hey man, go check it out. Take care of this. Meanwhile, continuing with the thing, with the wedding, and they do scare everybody off. Everybody but that chief enforcer gets scared off. And so they kind of corner him and it's like, give me the key, you know? And it's like, he's like, I don't have a key. He's like, Fezzik, tear his arms off. Oh, you mean this key? But then Humperdinck gets so eager to get the marriage official that he just yells at the officiant, like, say man and wife. Man and wife. Man and the wife. So he does. And they're like, okay. He's like, cool, we're married. And they go, and they like, that's it. They go off. Meanwhile, Westley and Fezzik and Inigo are now inside the castle trying to find Humperdinck, Buttercup, whoever.

Nic

And Westley is still, they're still weak and abusing him for the most part. Like, they're, they get, Fezzik's gonna carry him around.

Steve

Interestingly, I think we forgot 'cause I was telling the story of Elwes getting knocked out when Westley and Rugen were confronting each other or whatever, and Rugen knocked knocks out Westley, Westley notices the 6th finger on his right hand and says, oh, you have a— I've noticed you have a 6th finger on your right hand. Somebody was looking for you. So then when he comes to, uh, Westley is able to tell Inigo that Rugen is the 6-fingered man.

Nic

I found the guy.

Steve

Yeah, exactly. I know who it is. This is who you're looking for. So now Inigo's on his own mission, right? Like, Westley's here to save Buttercup and stop the wedding. Fezzik's here to help however he can. And Inigo is looking for Rugen to end him. So they are running through the castle. Inigo fights off a couple of guys.

Nic

Hugely outnumbered. And yeah, Inigo's like one swipe with the sword. It's really nice.

Steve

Which gets Rugen to bolt back. And this is— oh, and this was the first edition of Inigo's, you know, hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Yeah. And, you know, he says it several, several, several times. Rugen has to yell at him to stop saying it. But he's like chasing him through the whole castle. And I think basically, like, the key is Rugen, we see, like, he runs downstairs and he pulls a knife out of his boot. Like, he already had a sword in his hand, but he pulls a knife out of his boot. So then when he's in, like, a dining room, Inigo comes around the corner and Rugen throws the knife, like, into his gut, basically. Gets him right in the stomach. And, you know—.

Nic

Cheap shot, but also an incredible level of skill to be able to do that.

Steve

Wonderful throw. Dart-like, Ted Lasso darts kind of throw at that point. And he starts mocking him, like, oh, you spent all this time looking for me only to fail now.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard, you know. But Inigo, you know, pulls the dagger from his gut and gets back into, you know, hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. And finally corners him and is like, you know, offer me everything. Yeah. What can you offer me? He's all, I'll offer you money, I'll offer you this. And he goes, offer me all I want and more. He's like, you and I are have even. It. He's like, I want my father back, you son of a bitch. This is really— I mean, Mandy Patinkin's a fantastic actor, but I love him as Inigo Montoya.

Nic

Oh man, it's so much fun. It's a great character.

Steve

Oh man.

Nic

Yeah, and he's such like a serious actor in so much stuff, so it's really fun to see him just goofing it up here.

Steve

Absolutely.

Nic

Uh, yeah, so Inigo Montoya takes care of business here. Um, at this point, uh, my, my wife Jeannie was saying how, uh, Wesley's mustache is killing her. She's like, I can't deal with it. It's too small, it looks like an eyebrow.

Steve

It's bad, it's not good, it's not good. And it doesn't look that bad when he's got the mask on, but all this time post-mask, it's like, yeah, it doesn't work. He's got great hair though, I will give Cary Elwes fantastic hair in this movie, I'm very jealous.

Nic

Yeah, yeah.

Steve

But basically we follow Buttercup back to her room, or I guess the bridal suite or whatever they call it, the honeymoon suite or something. And she pulls a dagger out of this box and is ready to stab herself in the chest. And Westley from off screen, 'cause we haven't seen that he's in the room, says, you know, there's a short surprise 5 perfect breasts in the world. I'd hate to ruin yours, you know, whatever. And she's, oh my God, it's you! You know, I thought you were dead or something. And, and, you know, he— she kind of picks his head up like, why aren't you hugging and holding me? And he's like, I can't, like, be careful please.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

She drops his head back and it's clear like he has still not got his strength, you know. And, uh, and, you know, basically Humperdinck shows up and, and, and is like, you know, okay, well, I'm here to kill you.

Nic

All right, you're both dead.

Steve

Yep. Well, I'm definitely gonna kill you and then I'll deal with her, like, whatever, you know. So he's like, And that's when Westley says, no to the pain! And he goes, I'm not familiar with that phrase. What does that mean exactly? And he goes on and on about, like, cutting out your tongue and cutting out your eyes and doing this and cutting off your nose and all this stuff. And then finally, I do love the part— I love, though, is that Humperdinck at the end goes, and then my ears, I get it. And he goes, no, those you keep so that every cry of every screaming babe that sees you, every woman who goes, my God, what is that thing? Will ring forever in your perfect ears. And Humperdinck's like, stands and goes, I think you're bluffing. And he goes, I might be, pig. Vomitous mass. Like, I might not— I might not have the, you know, strength to stand. Or— and he gets up, right? All the strength he can muster, he stands up, points his sword, just says, drop your sword. And Humperdinck the coward does and like runs over to the, you know, chair. Buttercup ties him up. And then when Westley falls, he goes, I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! It's like, bro, you are tied to a chair. Yeah. Like, you can't do shit now. Dude, does not matter if you were right. Like, that is over.

Nic

So Fezzik calls up to them, right? And he's shown up. They look out the window and he's down there with 4 white horses for them to all escape for. He's like, oh, one for each of us. Like, I saw these sitting here, one for each of us.

Steve

Yeah. He's like, 4 in case we find the lady. Hello, lady.

Nic

Inigo Montoya is like, I don't know what to do with my life. I've been in the revenge business. Business for so long. Like, I, I don't even know how to live, right? What's my purpose now? So, uh, yeah, it's— and then of course we get Westley and Buttercup.

Steve

Yep.

Nic

Big kiss at the end.

Steve

Well, and Westley—.

Nic

It's described.

Steve

Yeah, and Westley tells Inigo, like, you'd make a great Dread Pirate Roberts. So I think they're debating, he'll do the handoff, right? He'll be the next Dread Pirate Roberts. And, and then, yeah, there's like, you know, uh, Columbo's voiceover is like, you know, there have been 5 kisses that were voted the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind. You know, and it's like the greatest kiss ever kind of thing. And even Fred Savage's character, he doesn't mind the kissing now. It's okay, it's cool.

Nic

He's happy about the end of the story.

Steve

'Cause the good people, it's the good people kissing, they win. The good triumphed over evil, like the whole deal. But yeah, that's The Princess Bride.

Nic

That's it. And before it ends, we have Fred Savage saying like, hey, Grandpa, you can come back and read to me another time. So it's like he made that connection.

Steve

Tomorrow, he says tomorrow, please come back and read to me.

Nic

You don't even seem sick today, motherfucker. You're gonna be back at school tomorrow. Maybe it's Christmas break.

Steve

And also, you're like 12. You should be able to read. Do you not read? I read it to you once. You're already aware how to pronounce these names.

Nic

Again, I go, that is The Princess Bride.

Steve

Fantastic. All right, um, well, I'll go first with my rating.

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Um, we— when we started this podcast, I think the first time that I ever gave out a 5, uh, out of 5 to a movie was The Fugitive. I think episode 6 or 7, something right around there. And I made the comment at the time that I cannot ask for anything this movie doesn't give me. Yeah. That was sort of my bar for like perfection in the sense of 5 out of 5. And in the sense that within 5 out of 5, there's still a range and a spectrum of movies that make 5 out of 5. But the core for me is still, can I reasonably ask this movie to do or be anything that it's not?

Nic

Yeah.

Steve

Like already, you know, is there anything about it I would longer, shorter, more of this, less of that, anything like that. And The Princess Bride, like The Fugitive, and I don't know, like The Thing, and like a few other movies kind of in this category, is to me a perfect movie in that it delivers on everything it promises. It does not require, you know, anything to be cut or anything to be added to be as good as it can be. It really comes together in every sense. Great dialogue, quotable bits, wonderful characters, great action, the sequences in and all of the sort of like the way one scene moves to another in a very causal fashion. There's so many things about it that work basically perfectly. And this is all a very long-winded way for me to say Princess Bride is a 5 out of 5. If I could give it 5.5, I would. Of the movies we've covered, I think this literally would be, if I had to rank them all in 70, you know, 1 to 79, 'cause it's our 79th episode, this would be in like the top 3 for me.

Nic

Nice.

Steve

I think for sure. So I am an easy, clear 5 out of 5. out of 5, uh, on The Princess Bride. What about you, Nic?

Nic

Um, yeah, I mean, this is awesome. And the way that you describe it, I think, is perfect in that, uh, yeah, I don't know what I would do, like what single role I would recast, what, uh, bit I would cut, what piece of scenery looks like crap, what effect or stunt looks bad. Like, yeah, there's not a thing in this that distracts from it just being like a very enjoyable, like easy kind of relaxing watch that will give you a lot of laughs too. Um, it's great to see Andre the Giant, and, uh, it's too bad. I feel like if he was maybe like 10, 15 years younger, like born 10 or 15 years later, he would have been an enormous star. It just didn't seem to cross. Like when WWF really got big, he wasn't quite physically able to do the stuff he was in like the late '70s. Um, but yeah, I mean, Mandy Patinkin, Wallace Shawn, 2 of my favorite Like, just like human beings, like to hear about their their lives outside of the art and everything. So good. Carrie Elwes is just like underrated as an actor overall. I feel like he should be in more stuff, and but I mean he has been in a lot of excellent stuff. Yeah, I don't know how to not give this one a five either. I mean, like I said, I didn't grow up with it. This isn't like my number one like movie that I'm nostalgic for, but I think I gave Home Alone a five, and that was. A bump because of, you know, nostalgia, and also a movie that works very well. But I think in the same vein, it's like, yeah, if I'm giving you a list of a few movies that you could show to anyone of any age and like get an agreeable crowd for, like, this is way up there. Yeah, perfect movie. Great movie.

Steve

10 out of 10 from the 2 dads. And I will say, I think you mentioned it, but like, yeah, a lot of times we'll be, we'll be real honest when we have legit like nostalgia bumps where we know we're giving a movie a bump because the nostalgia— no nostalgia bump here. My 5 is certainly 100% based Based off of just watching it yesterday, you know, two days ago, and remembering everything, and that's judging it as is. Like there's no bump going on here. This is a pure, unaltered five out of five for me.

Nic

So, but not fortified five.

Steve

Exactly.

Nic

I will say I was a four and a half, but your Wallace Shawn impression did push it to a five for me.

Steve

We would have had words if you were under five on this. I would I would have really asked you to defend that decision. Ten out of ten of the two dads, as it should be. The Princess Bride, one of just. The one— like I said, one of the defining movies of our generation in so many ways, and really so important to so many people, and so much fun to watch. That's the other thing too, is a lot of times great movies like The Silence of the Lambs, another 10 out of 10 we gave, fantastic movie. I can't just sit down and watch that any old time.

Nic

And you can't dip in like 3/4 of the way through and still get something out of it. Like with this one, you could be like, all right, you can only catch 10 random minutes of The Princess Bride, do you still want to do it?

Steve

It's like, yeah, probably. Doesn't— I don't care which 10 Yeah, they don't have to be sequential, right? You give me 10 1-minute clips, I'll probably still enjoy it, you know? Like, so, all right, so that's, that's The Princess Bride. We're a 10 out of 10. Uh, Nic, you are picking our next movie. Where are we going for next week?

Nic

Uh, so next week, uh, you know, uh, what we like to do, a little change of pace and everything. And this one actually, this is one that I wanted to get on the pod at some point, but we were, uh, requested this film, uh, by one of our listeners. Matt DeLuna. Shout out to Matt.

Steve

Nice.

Nic

Who, uh, who said that he's a big Kurt Russell head like you and I both are.

Steve

Absolutely.

Nic

And one of the movies that was very big, uh, that he used to watch with his dad and they would quote back and forth and stuff was 1997's Breakdown.

Steve

Okay.

Nic

So we've got Kurt Russell, we've got, uh, J.T. Walsh, we've got M.C. Gainey, we've got all these like that guy kind of character actors and, uh, different change of pace. But yeah, this is a kind of action thriller from the late '90s that I remember seeing in the theater. It was playing at the theater I worked at, so I saw it a bunch, saw it on tape and everything. So, uh, 1997's Breakdown. So I look forward to that next week. Have you seen this one?

Steve

I have not. In fact, I had not even heard of it until we got that email. And in fact, I thought that email— when I read it, I went, that's a really funny way to spell Backdraft.

Nic

Why are you saying that?

Steve

That's so weird. Oh, Breakdown's a whole different movie, also starring Kurt Russell. Good to know. So yeah, no, I've never seen it. Going in blind, you know, I went out totally blind. I think I saw a one-sentence synopsis, you know, basically, yeah, car breaks down, wife goes missing, guy's got to hunt for her. You know, that's all I really know. It's just obviously it's in that thriller category, which I got to say, after the first attempt by you to introduce me to a thriller kind of fell a little flat with Pacific Heights, you've been killing it. I've been loving it.

Nic

Started with the worst one.

Steve

Well, but you know, I've been loving The River Wild, Cape Fear, Sleeping with the Enemy.

Nic

Like, I like all these movies.

Steve

Real good thrillers. Turns out thriller is one of my favorite genres, and I didn't even really know. So there you go. So yeah, so next week we will watch Breakdown starring Kurt Russell. That's a wrap. If you like what you hear, please consider heading over to Apple or Spotify and leaving us a 5-star review. It helps new folks find the show. Be sure to check out our website at twodads1movie.com. That's the number 2 and the number 1. There you can explore the movies we've covered, sign up for our newsletter, The Rewind, and even get sneak previews of upcoming episodes. Once again, this has This has been The Princess Bride, another episode of 2 Dads 1 Movie. I'm Steve.

Nic

And I'm Nic.

Steve

Thank you so much for listening. We'll catch you next week.

Nic

Thanks, everyone.